Press "Enter" to skip to content

Chess Courts Female Players With New Busty Rook, Complete With Pink Bow

ESPORTS ARENA – Officials from the International Chess Federation FIDE along with Chess.com executives announced today a new, bustier Rook with a cute little pink bow, which women should just gobble up like crazy.

“We were devastated to hear women are less likely to pursue the rigorous game of chess and to work right away,” said the President of Chess, John Bishop, while avoiding eye contact with the woman interviewer the entire time. “So today we are unveiling exciting new Girl Power initiatives across the board, including Cookie the Rookie, the Rook’s quirky, cute lady friend.”

Chess.com’s Executive Vice President of Girl Characters Dean Harrison was excited to partner with chess to design the second girl piece of the game.

“Female character design is my passion. Chess needs real girl representation like Cookie. She doesn’t take herself too seriously. She is petite, athletic, and not like other girls,” he said. “Just like Ms Pac-Man, she’s sassy but nonthreatening – so we need a pink bow! Finally, she looks just like the rook, but Cookie keeps a reasonably tight 38-20-35.”

The online chess community is vibrating internally with controversy over the news, which some say too fundamentally transforms the centuries-old game. But not everyone wants the game to remain only for grandfathers in parks or movie scenes attempting to introduce metaphorical themes.

“I am excited for Cookie the Rookie to slide into Chess’ open file,” said popular streamer Elijah “The PAWNisher” Tuttle. “She is ready to take passive sexism and online harassment like a champ, unlike other female chess competitors who keep trying to make it a whole thing.”

At press time, some community members were seen arguing the “woke” Queen is way too overpowered and should be nerfed.

We\'re giving away 50 Hard Drive t-shirts and other merch items to Patrons this week.
Become a patron at Patreon!