WASHINGTON — In the wake of a historic Presidential race, Vice President elect JD Vance was eager to get into the White House and get to work, however that eagerness turned to disappointment when he learned the Presidential Cabinet is not an elegantly designed piece of furniture, sources close to him have confirmed.
“When I told him it’s actually an advisory board composed of executive department heads, I could see the light go out in his eyes,” says Susie Wiles, Trump’s newly selected Chief of Staff. “It’s like I told him Santa Claus isn’t real, you’d think an elected Senator would know that.”
As the Trump/Vance campaign headed into November, JD Vance’s fascination with the White House interior grew exponentially.
“I’m under the assumption that I will be the one sitting in the Oval Office when President Trump is out golfing,” Vance said at a truck driver luncheon last week in Reading, Pennsylvania. “It’ll just be me in there. Me in the most elegantly furnished room this great country has to offer.”
Since the election results, Republicans have gone back on former promises made. Project 2025 appears to be Trump’s policy moving forward, and the once thought to be ridiculous claims of furniture fornication hurled at Senator Vance may be true as well.
“I believe now that Trump has won we can say, yes there was evidence of Senator Vance having a relationship with his couch,” Speaker Mike Johnson admitted to our sources. “We knew before Trump selected him as his running mate. The decision was mostly made because Vance and Pence are only two letters off from each other, so 2020 merch was easy to edit.”
Sources close to the President have confirmed that Vance’s allegiance was bought by Trump with several Pottery Barn gift cards.
“When the time comes, and it will come, everybody says it’s gonna come, it came last time and it’s gonna come again,” Trump told the press regarding the January 6th insurrection. “When that time comes to barricade ourselves in the White House I know JD will have intimate and crucial knowledge.”
At press time, the White House daily itinerary has allotted Vice President Vance 15 minutes alone in the Oval Office for “JD Time.”
