LA PAMPA, Argentina — Donald Trump Jr.’s recent COVID-19 diagnosis has inspired his brother Eric to hunt him for sport, several sources close to the family have reported.
“This is the ultimate right here,” said Eric Trump, as he applied camouflage paint to his face. “Me and Don Junior always said that if we became as defenseless as one of the exotic creatures we pay large sums of our inherited wealth to slaughter that we would do the only humane thing and take the other one down for the benefit of our little blood boners. We are pretty sure this is what Daddy would want, too.”
Washington insiders have revealed that Don Jr., who revealed he had tested positive for COVID-19 earlier this week was airlifted from his home late last night under the guise of a visit to his father. Instead of the White House, however, the helicopter was destine for an undisclosed jungle somewhere in South America.
“Father has sent for me?” said Donald Trump Jr, misty eyed and short of breath. “Oh I knew this day would come. Maybe he will start acknowledging me more often than his high profile pedophile sex trafficker buddy he keeps wishing well. Gosh, maybe things are turning around for ol’ Donnie Junior. I just can’t lose!”
Employees of the big game hunting compound that was rented by Eric reported that Don Jr. was placed inside of a makeshift living room setup that was constructed inside of an unused office building, complete with food, drinks, and a laptop computer that he believed he was using to make a series of bizarre appearances on various cable news programs.
“It was about as humane as you can do it, honestly,” said one groundskeeper that preferred to remain anonymous. “He was so serene, sitting there babbling about voter fraud and communism, and then Eric snuck in behind him and then slit his throat as he held his dying brother and apologized. It was very moving. Well, it was moving until he cut the head off and started taking pictures with it. That I didn’t much care for.”
As of press time, Eric Trump has tested positive for coronavirus after playing in his dead brother’s blood and using his severed ears to make a necklace.
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