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Opinion: Stop Going to Therapy and Start Going to Ghablegharst the Bridge Troll

Hello, guest commentator here! I know they usually submit an author picture for that sort of thing, but for reasons you have to take my word for, a series of misadventures saw to it that my photograph would be misplaced and therefore there is no picture of me, so that’s just going to have to be okay, okay? 

Now, before we get bogged down in who I am or am not, let me get right down to my point today. With the ever increasing talk and focus on mental health and openness about going to therapy, there’s one important thing that’s rarely spoken of; why not go see Ghablegarst the Bridge Troll? Why, he’ll straighten you out, sell you some of his wares, and if you answer his series of riddles, who knows, he might grant you access to the other side of the bridge, a land our elders only dared dream of! 

Who knows what riches await on the other side of the bridge? Why, I bet Ghablegarst, the Bridge Troll knows! What a guy. Handsome fella.

Can your therapist do any of these wonderful things I’ve just described? Oh, they can’t? Very interesting.

I’m not Ghablegarst, by the way. Let me just tell you that. Oh curse my warted hide, why did I just say that? Let’s move on. 

I fear that many of you are going to therapy not because of the effectiveness of the process, you see, but rather the access to pharmaceuticals that the process affords you. I understand that. Uh, me and Ghablegarst definitely both understand that, I mean. It’s rough out here and you just want your head to be right. Respect. 

Well hey, remember those wares I mentioned earlier? Ghablegarst the Bridge Troll sells many homemade potions and tinctures that are comparable if not BETTER than a lot of what you non-bridge dwellers so foolishly refer to as “modern medicine.” You could jump through hoops with your insurance provider and go to a weekly therapy session to give you a magic pill that numbs your personality, or you could trade your second born for a smoky red jar that makes you feel better than you’ve ever felt in your life. Think about it. 

Oh, and the best part about that deal? If you don’t have a second born, Ghablegarst takes the hit. It’s just that easy! Wow, what a deal, huh? Just be careful not to have a second child, because Ghablegarst always collects, hahahahahahahahaha!

Or, I mean, I’ve heard he always collects. Hehe. 

So, have I successfully swayed you and convinced you to quit your current course of therapy? I understand it’s a lot to ask so suddenly. If you’d like to talk more, you can find me at the bridge pretty much anytime. It’s okay to bring your children, too!