#15 — Shane
If you’re really desperate and are on good terms with Shane, then yeah, he can help you out. You absolutely will not have a good time doing it, because he’s not really the kind of guy who will just give — he will share. You’ll have to spend a few hours with this miserable son of a bitch, watching him slowly destroy himself, and wondering if you will someday share his fate.
#14 — Professor Snail
The guy got himself trapped in a cave full of mushrooms. Gee, I wonder how he became disoriented?
#13 — Kent
Kent may have come home safe from the war, but it is still metaphorically waging inside him. The only thing that quells the turmoil within is a nice indica strain, and Kent rarely goes more than an hour or two without packing a bowl. He’ll happily smoke you up, but there’s like a one in five chance that you’re going to hear some really fucked up shit about how many people he’s killed.
#12 — Linus
Okay, Linus doesn’t have anything for you. He had a really bad reaction to some anti-anxiety medication a few years ago. Like, scary bad. Ever since, he has sworn off any mind-altering substances, with the exception of a beer every now and then. I just put him this high on the list because you should really make time to visit Linus. He doesn’t have anyone.
#11 — Jodi
Jodi actually grows her own weed, but follows the state guidelines for personal use very strictly. That’s still plenty to share, but she doesn’t want her kids to find out she’s growing, so you’ll have to be subtle. Also, when Kent is home, he ends up smoking most of it, anyway.
#10 — Harvey
We all know that Harvey is crooked. If you want something, he’ll write you a prescription. Oh, sure, farmers need 80 milligrams of Adderall a day. You know, to keep track of all those vegetables. The only reason he’s not higher on the list is because he’s definitely worsened the Valley’s opiate problem by over-prescribing them, and I don’t feel great about that.
#9 — Krobus
You can get some otherworldly shit from Krobus, and I mean that in a literal sense. He can hook you up with stuff that will let you commune with Yoba. He’s all too eager to let you have it, too. The guy is just desperate to be on your good side.
#8 — Emily
Emily is high for every shift she works at the saloon. She also does shrooms sometimes when she’s making clothes, because she says it helps her “experience the textures of the fabric” better. She would definitely be down to trip with you.
#7 — Leah
Yup, Leah is cool. No surprises there. She is pretty much always stoned while she does her art, and her mushroom hunts in the woods aren’t just for culinary purposes. She’s definitely on the chill side, so if you’re looking for something that’ll get your heartrate up, she’s not your girl.
#6 — Abigail
This one is pretty obvious. Her parents are worried about her “alternative lifestyle.” She’s into the occult. She spends a weird amount of time looking for frogs in the rain. Abigail can hook you up with stuff you’ve never even heard of, just be prepared for a profoundly weird hangover.
#5 — Sebastian
Sebastian self-medicates a lot. Nothing has actually made him feel better, but he keeps trying nonetheless. He recently started dealing on the side in a misguided attempt to rebel against his parents. He’ll smoke you up, but you’ll have to sit and listen to him babble about philosophical nonsense and whine about his step-dad.
#4 — Elliott
An aspiring novelist who lives in a beach cabin and spends a good amount of time at the bar? Yeah, this guy’s got coke. Just be ready for him to hold you captive for the next three hours while he excitedly explains his next big idea, which will, like, totally be bigger than A Song of Ice and Fire.
#3 — Mr. Qi
Mr. Qi is a solid option as long as you keep the interaction short. His operation is big enough that you know what you’re getting is safe, but he will try to rope you into dealing for him. He’ll make it sound easy, but trust me, you need to make up some excuse why you can’t do it. You do not want to get in the red with Mr. Qi.
#2 — Birdie
Birdie lives alone in a hut on an island. She teaches you how to make literal Fairy Dust. Yeah, I think Birdie is cool.
#1 — Pierre
You think Pierre is making a living off of running a general store in a town with a couple dozen people? Get real. The guy is moving literal tons of product. Sure, he doesn’t usually sell it retail, but he’ll have no choice but to sell to you if you reveal that you’re wise to his secret operation. His wife and daughter don’t even know. They can never know.
