Life is peaceful in Stardew Valley. Too peaceful. Sometimes, even the Stardrop Saloon won’t be able to provide you the excitement you need. There’s got to be a way to liven things up. Something fun. Someone in this godforsaken backwater town has to holding, right? Here’s a comprehensive breakdown of everyone in the Valley and how likely they are to give you a hand.
#45 — Jas
C’mon, guys. I’m not a monster. I wouldn’t ask a child for drugs. Plus, I don’t know how to play the ukulele, so it’s not clear how I would manage the apology video.
#44 — Vincent
This is mostly a tie with the previous entry. The one thing that bumps it up a spot is that Vincent probably wouldn’t even understand what I meant, so he wouldn’t be traumatized by the interaction. Sure, his dad definitely gets high, but I’m sure he keeps it all in his room. I don’t like to think of what Jas has seen Shane get up to firsthand.
#43 — Demetrius
You’d get a lecture about both the dangers of narcotics as well as the wonders of experiencing the natural world with a pure, unaltered perception. Demetrius would try to persuade you that the way of contemplation was the only life worth living, and that abusing substances would risk degrading your rational mind. Not only would you need to get high more than ever after you talked to him, he would also check in on you every week or so to see how you were doing.
#42 — Marnie
Do not ask Marnie for drugs. She’s already noticed that someone has been stealing from her inventory, particularly her stock of ketamine. Obviously it’s Shane, but she’s not ready to admit that. If you give her an excuse to blame you, she is going to contact the authorities. It will be your word against hers, and they will believe her. Nice work! You’re going away for at least a year.
#41 — Morris
Besides just looking like a total narc, JojaMart absolutely drug tests their employees constantly. You might not work there, but your photo is going on the wall in the security office if you so much as mention weed around Morris. When your farm fails and you’re forced to return to that comically large work computer, they’ll automatically reject your application.
#40 — Bouncer
There are two types of bouncers. One is already your dealer. This guy is the other type.
#39 — Governor
Obviously, it’s not a great idea to ask the state’s head boot for drugs. Even on the off-chance that he travels with his immensely disappointing children, those guys aren’t the “gives other people drugs” kind of guys. If you broadcast the fact that you are not holding, they will immediately forget that you exist. There’s just no good angle to work.
#38 — Penny
Penny obviously has some baggage related to substance abuse because of her mom. Asking if she was holding would just feel kinda mean. Also she would probably tell you that, like, books are the healthy way to expand your mind, or something like that. I really don’t want to make her say that.
#37 — Robin
Robin has been on a construction site, so she’s not going to be shocked by the very thought of someone wanting to get high. Still, she’s not going to have anything to give you. She won’t lecture you like Demetrius would, but she’ll hint to her kids that you’re a shady character.
#36 — Henchman
The henchman wants two things out of life: to do his job, and to eat rotten mayonnaise. You may as well be asking a rock.
#35 — Marlon
I’m not saying that Marlon wouldn’t have access to drugs or that he wouldn’t be willing to distribute them. Both of those things are certainly true. However, the dude sells your own items back to you. Sure, he pitches it as a helpful service, but it sounds like a scam to me. I wouldn’t trust a dealer who was like, “Hey man, I found your AirPods the other day. You can have them back for the MSRP.”
#34 — Dwarf
It’s implied that the Dwarf has a pretty different biological makeup than humans, and he doesn’t seem to have a clear understanding of what those differences are. If the Dwarf offered me something, I would politely accept, then flush it the first chance I got.
#33 — Pam
Pam will ask you to buy her a beer before you can even get a word out. Not a smart option.
#32 — Caroline
Secrets run deep in this family. For instance, Caroline doesn’t even know her husband is working for Mr. Qi, moving contraband all over Stardew Valley. It would be easier if she did know. Then she’d finally have a good excuse to leave him.
#31 — Leo
Leo is a child who was basically raised by birds. Maybe he gets tipsy off of fermented berry juice occasionally, but that’s about it. He doesn’t have anything for you.