It’s time to answer the age-old question every Pokémon trainer asks themselves at some point during their journey to Pokémon Master: Which Starter Pokémon is best hollowed out and used as a shelter to preserve our body from the frigid winter elements?
Unfortunately the Pokédex lacks the necessary information to help both you and I make this difficult decision. So I have taken it upon myself to study and rank the 3rd evolution of every starter Pokémon by how well their corpses can incubate human life in freezing conditions.
#27 — Inteleon
If you find yourself in the arctic with this ‘Secret Agent’ Pokémon you better beg for the sweet release of death. There’s nothing inside this membrane of wet goop that isn’t cold and unloving.
#26 — Decidueye
I don’t give a hoot how cute Rowelt is, when the shit hits the fan and survival is top priority, this owl is foul! Maybe you could cut off its wings and wrap those around you, but this isn’t a list about that.
#25 — Greninja
You should not crash inside the lifeless body of Greninja. It takes a cold heart to be both ninja and amphibian, not a compelling quality for this unique situation every Pokémon trainer will eventually find themselves. If you find yourself caught in the cold with this guy, use its tongue to strangle yourself and call it a day.
#24 — Quaquaval
There’s a moral dilemma that comes from Luke Skywalkering yourself within a humanoid Pokémon. Even if you can look past your new flesh suit, the thin exterior between you and the sub zero elements may as well be a decorative coat. There’s no denying that Quaguval looks like a Weird Guy.
#23 — Sceptile
You’re better off sleeping under a pile of twigs than bisecting a Sceptile like a chicken breast. A better idea would be setting it ablaze in hopes the smoke may signal a nearby Pokémon Ranger.
#22 — Primarina
This isn’t an ideal carcass for our current thought experiment. Primarina has a dancer’s body, meaning it was mistreated and malnourished for the sake of “art.”
#21 — Infernape
While fire-type Pokémon seem like the ideal meat sack to shack up in, that is not the case. Once the beast has succumbed, the fire within them, both literally and figuratively, is extinguished.
#20 — Cinderace
It feels kinda stupid to murder any fire Pokémon just for the sake of surviving the cold by living in its belly, considering the Pokémon could just, I dunno, light a fire. But if you’re gonna do it, at least do it with one of the large ones. Come on, man.
#19 — Samurott
Don’t let Samurrot’s impressive facial hair deceive you, what appears to be warmth is just disguised itchiness.
#18 — Meowscarada
One of the hardest things to do in life is putting down a beloved pet, especially if that pet has evolved to resemble a human being to an unsettling degree. The upside is Meowscarada, The Magician Pokémon, practices the dark arts, which is an auspicious silver lining.
#17 — Blaziken
Not the best vessel to squat in, but the meat is delicious!
#16 — Delphox
Similar to Meowscarada, Delphox works in witchcraft, and must be dissected promptly. Its survival value resides in Delphox’s abundance of fur, which some of us still appreciate these days.
#15 — Skeledirage
Be careful camping inside the corpse of a Skeledirage. The only ghost-type on this list may instill nightmares of the gruesome acts you’ve performed on innocent Pokémon.
#14 — Serperior
No tools to slice open your Pokémon? No problem! Once Serperior has taken its last breath, just slide down its unhinged jaw and you’ve got yourself a slimy sleeping bag.
#13 — Swampert
Throw on your galoshes before getting up in these guts. No point in murdering your best Pokémon friend to survive the freezing cold if you get slime all over your nice shoes.
#12 — Meganium
Meganium’s long neck is the perfect storage place for all the Pokémon you couldn’t bring yourself to murder because you’re a little chilly.
#11 — Rillaboom
Rillaboom’s love for music comes second only to its spacious chest cavity. You could definitely do worse slicing it open and laying within its guts.