To finish off September’s Direct, Nintendo unveiled a trailer many 30-and-older Mario fans never thought they would see: Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door is getting a from-the-ground-up remake for the Nintendo Switch set to release sometime next year.
Over the years, the fandom has argued over the direction the series has taken — simplifying gameplay, removing RPG elements, and changing the combat system from game to game. A pocket of gamers have yearned for a new title that would follow the core of what they consider the peak in the lineup. TTYD is cherished for it enriching story (for a Mario game) and its lovable cast of characters. Of all features removed in later entries, the partners system has been the most missed. And while Origami King kind-of, sort-of brings it back, it’s not quite what it was in the first two games.
But now with Nintendo announcing a remake of TTYD for the Nintendo Switch, fans are thrilled to come home to an old favorite and have new hope that the next entry may be an even greater return to form. In honor of this latest announcement, we’ve compiled a list of our favorite partners from the series (specifically Paper Mario on Nintendo 64 and Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door). We’ve ranked them not by their combat viability, nor by their personalities or impact on the story. No, we’ve ranked them by how appropriate your local butcher would find these paper companions at wrapping raw meats and fish. Enjoy!
#15 — Sushi
This is just animal cruelty. Please don’t wrap this cheep-cheep around the butchered carcass of her slain brethren. I can’t in good conscience place her any higher on the list.
#14 — Parakarry
Plain and simple, the paratroopa’s feathers will contaminate the steaks. This is no good. Unless of course you’re hatching some sort of credit card/airline mile scam. In that specific case, bump this frequent flyer to the top of the list.
#13 — Watt
Watt is a floating lightbulb. Not only is she one of the smaller partners — unable to wrap large cuts of meat — but she is hot to the touch. You want your brisket to start cooking in the fridge? I don’t think so.
#12 — Lady Bow
This aristocrat from beyond the grave would huff at the suggestion of getting her hands dirty and aiding a working class butcher. But more concerning, simply making contact with the meat runs the risk of both the paper and its contents going invisible. Hope you remember where you set down that branzino.
#11 — Vivian
With the evil-turned-good Shadow Siren, you unfortunately run the same risk of making your meat disappear. She ranks higher on the list than Bow because you’re better off hiring a trans specter of color rather than another wealthy, white member of the Boo-geoisie.
#10 — Ms. Mowz
Ms. Mowz is an optional party member. She is also an optional parchment for any Italian pork store to have on hand. Her flirtatious nature may get some customers in the door, but they won’t be returning after they realized she lifted their wallets with Kiss Thief.
#9 — Bombette
She is a time bomb. At any moment, she could explode — instantaneously cooking and shredding your meat to bits. This can, however, be used advantageously for pulled pork sandwiches.
#8 — Kooper
This is your middle-of-the-road pick for paper. Kooper is medium in size and has an adventurer’s spirit to take on any task at hand — no questions asked. Today, that task is have his thin body folded around some tilapia. Go get ’em, tiger.
#7 — Yoshi Kid
While small in stature, he may not be able to wrap around the largest meats. However, the player’s option to name the Yoshi kid along with their ability to be born in seven different colors could prove lucrative for labeling different cuts of beef.
#6 — Goombario
Goombario has encyclopedic knowledge of all his targeted enemies, including the various meats and fish his body is pressed against. He’s a walkin’, talkin’ Best-By date that can let you know exactly when that hunk of halibut in the fridge is about to spoil.
#5 — Goombella
Goombella is the same deal as Goombario except her ponytail gives her a noticeable bump in size to cover even larger cuts. A porterhouse perhaps.
#4 — Admiral Bobbery
This ship captain has been seasoned by the salty air of the open sea. This incidentally does a fine job pre-seasoning the filet while preserving it better than his unsalted peers.
#3 — Koops
At first glance, you may think he’d be pretty much even with his previous game counterpart, Kooper. Taking closer look at his move set, you’ll see one key difference. Shell Shield — typically used to encase and protect Mario from incoming attacks — is actually pretty well insulated. It makes for a great cooler.
#2 — Madame Flurrie
Purely from a surface area point of view, the cloud spirit actress from the Boggly Woods will get you the most bang for your buck — so long as you’re cool with that sirloin you just purchased having huge bazongas.
#1 — Lakilester
This cool-guy lakitu has a seemingly infinite arsenal of paper spinies to hurl at enemies — or to wrap all your cold cuts. Lakilester doesn’t even need to be the butcher paper himself. Instead, he’ll be the one behind the deli counter asking you, ” What’ll it be, boss?” and “Is this thin enough?” when you call on him for your pound and a half of Genoa salami.