Going away to college is an exciting-yet-scary prospect for many young adults. It’s often the first time they’ll be away from their families for a significant period of time, and new experiences can be frightening. The anxiety that looms the largest over many incoming freshmen is whether or not they will get along with their roommate. It can be intimidating moving in with someone you don’t know, especially if they end up being one of the anthropomorphic animals from the new animated film, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem. If you find yourself in that situation later this summer, feel free to use the helpful list below to see just how distraught you should be.
14 — Leonardo
Hoo boy. He’s a dorky, rule-following tattle-tale, for starters. What really makes Leo a nightmare as a roommate, though, is his creepy behavior towards women. No matter what else is going on around him, if a young lady walks by the dorm room window, he’ll look up and say the word, “girl,” out loud. Every time. Then, he just goes back to whatever he was doing, like nothing weird went down. It’s unnerving.
13 — Superfly
So for ninety-nine percent of people, Superfly is a terrible roomie. He would literally murder you. But if you happen to agree with his plan to grant the precious gift of sapience to every single animal on the planet while simultaneously exterminating the rancid blight that is the human race? Buddy, you’ve found yourself a comrade for life. It won’t be a long life, but hey: as a human yourself, you are complicit.
12 — Scumbug
I’m not even knocking her for being a cockroach or spraying slime everywhere when she talks. The real issue is that she’s always inviting Splinter over to fuck. She claims they can’t use his room for some reason. Bullshit.
11 — Ray Fillet
God, imagine having to room with someone in Glee Club? His entire personality is that he thinks he can sing well. There’s nothing deeper than that. It might impress some drunk juniors and help the two of you get into a couple parties at first, but once he tries to bust out the guitar, you’re both getting the boot. Soon, the only audience he’ll have is the one person who is forced to share space with him: you.
10 — Raphael
On move-in day, you might be confused why Raph brought an extra hamper. You’ll soon learn that he goes to the gym twice a day and sweats so much that he needs to keep his work out clothes entirely separate from the rest of his laundry. That smelly pile of damp athletic shorts — plus what the nine heaping scoops of protein powder he takes per day do to his digestive system — means no one will ever want to visit your room. Soon, they won’t even want to come within ten feet of you. The only upside is that there’s a fifty percent chance that Raph flunks out by winter break and you get to have a single for a while.
9 — Bebop
Bebop is weirdly aggro for someone who is stoned 24/7. If that didn’t make you a big enough target for the RA, his buddy Rocksteady is literally always in your room. Seriously, he takes your bed most nights and will not let you scooch in next to him. You’ve asked to be moved to a different room, but the Residential Life office isn’t taking you seriously at all. You’ve just gotta sit there and watch these two boneheads watch 300 for the thousandth time, quoting every line as it happens.
8 — Genghis Frog
Dude is going to hardcore shows almost nightly and not coming back until at least two in the morning, when he stumbles into the room and loudly bumps into any piece of furniture he can find. He’s always casually mentioning super obscure punk bands then acting all superior when you don’t recognize them. Whatever you do, don’t try to catch him out on a band he hasn’t heard of yet. He’ll just call you an asshole and try to fight you.
7 — Michaelangelo
Okay, an improv nerd isn’t quite as bad as a glee club nerd, but it’s still annoying. He’ll invite you to a bunch of weird parties that seem fun at the time, but you’ll end up regretting going to a lot of them later on. You will at least get the room to yourself for a few hours whenever improv practice is scheduled, but that comes at the heavy price of eventually having to attend his improv shows. Also, he’s gonna try to convince you to start doing improv. Just say no.
6 — Splinter
Splinter is one of those roommates who thinks they’re your mom. He’ll text you at midnight to make sure that you’re back in time to watch Seth Meyers with him, which he’ll expect you to do every single night. That’s super annoying, for sure, but there’s a silver lining: at least you know someone on this godforsaken campus has your back. Sometimes he says he’s going to visit his girlfriend and you don’t see him for hours, but that’s not too weird, even if you’ve lived with him for months and you still haven’t met her.
5 — Wingnut
Wingnut is just pretty solid in general. She keeps her side of the room organized, doesn’t bring home a ton of romantic partners, and is cool with you binging Netflix all Saturday morning on the TV she brought from home. You share pleasant conversations about your individual interests, but you each have your own separate social groups and healthy boundaries. Next year, you’ll room with a close friend and be miserable. When you see Wingnut on campus, you’ll smile and wave. She’ll return the gesture, then go back to the conversation she was having with her new roommate as you continue walking to the dining hall, alone.
4 — Leatherhead
If you end up with an Australian roommate, you ingratiate yourself with them immediately and prepare to ride their social coattails. You are gonna tag along to so many good parties this year.
3 — Rocksteady
When you meet Rocksteady, you might be a little nervous about sharing a tiny room with him. Don’t worry; you won’t be. He wanted to room with his friend Bebop, but they couldn’t figure out how to fill out the roommate request form in time. He just spends all his time in Bebop’s room, anyway. You’ve got yourself a de facto single, my friend.
2 — Mondo Gecko
Meeting Mondo Gecko will change your life. He’ll immediately become your best friend. You’ll room together again sophomore year, then get an apartment off-campus with him as upperclassmen. You’ll both go on a school-sponsored retreat, where you will help one another confront years of buried trauma. Crying in his arms, you will break down completely, only for him to rebuild you stronger than ever. A couple years after graduation, Mondo Gecko will get married to someone you’ve never met, delete all of his social media, and you will never see him again.
1 — Donnatello
Donnie is the Platonic ideal of a roommate. He’s smart enough to help you with your studies, but he’s not at all annoying about it. He’s willing to be the cameraman when you and the rest of your friends are trying to get TikTok famous. Not only will he let you leech off of his Crunchyroll subscription, but he’ll share his extensive manga collection when you can’t wait for Attack on Titan: The Final Season Part 52 to be released. He won’t even ask you if you want to go to his brother’s improv show. Donnie is the best.
