The Looney Tunes have long been used by the U.S. military as morale boosters in the form of aircraft nose art and squadron insignias. But if they were true patriots, these toons would be serving their country a lot more directly. With that in mind, please enjoy this ranking of which Looney Tunes characters would best serve the interests of the United States military.
#22. Playboy Penguin
He looks like something American GI’s would torture for fun in a Vietnam movie to give our hero a moral dilemma.
I’ve never seen Granny survive an anvil to the head like most of the other characters on this list, and you want me to believe she’d survive artillery shelling?
#20. Lola Bunny
Lola is the only toon on this list that was created during the 90’s Looney Tunes renaissance. And as a child of the 90’s, she is fully undeceived by sponsored Army Twitch streamers and Marine Corps TikToks, so good luck getting her to serve.
#19. Beaky Buzzard
Just our luck, one of the few characters that can fly just happens to be a complete dope. Good luck getting any good surveillance intel out of this schmuck.
#18. Sylvester the Cat
If you can’t catch Tweety Bird, how the hell are you supposed to catch al-Qaeda?
#17. Barnyard Dog
This dog is most commonly shown failing to cross a line drawn on the ground. Indiscriminately blowing through borders is one of the main tenets of the U.S. military, so I think they might just be ideologically opposed.
#16. Marvin the Martian
This guy has spent thousands of years trying to destroy Earth and hasn’t made a dent, total fraud.
#15. Yosemite Sam
Sam has been depicted serving in many armed conflicts: the American Revolution, Civil War, and World War I. There’s no place in a blue-blooded military for hired guns, especially ones who routinely pick the losing side.
#14. Porky Pig
Imagine your platoon is under heavy fire from an ambush. Munitions are depleted, several men are lost, and your last hope for survival is you squad leader, who picks up the radio and says “We need ai-badidi-ai-badididi-ai-badidi-air support!”
#13. Speedy Gonzalez
Sure, no cat can outrun him, but a Hellfire missile damn well could.
#12. Slowpoke Rodriguez
Unlike his faster cousin, this mouse understands the importance of packing a gun.
#11. Elmer Fudd
Easily manipulated and able to operate a firearm, this is the exact kinda guy the Army hunts for at your high school career fair. You better believe he’s driving a Camaro off the lot with a 30% interest rate and Oakley sunglasses.
I don’t know what he is, but I know he can kill.
#9. Tasmanian Devil
Taz has an insatiable hunger and jaws that can bite through just about anything, but his lack of self control makes him a liability on the front lines. They’d probably stick him in a black site and use him as an instrument of torture.
#8. Pepé Le Pew
Pepé is a walking chemical weapon, the use of which is considered a war crime *wink*
#7. Wile E. Coyote
He would fit in perfectly with whatever military squadron is responsible for wasting a bunch of taxpayer money on shit that doesn’t work. He’s approving those $1 trillion jets that can’t fly in a storm and licking his lips at all the roadrunner he’s gonna have for dinner.
#6. Foghorn Leghorn
Foghorn doesn’t seem like an active combat guy, but I think he’d really kill it as a Bob Hope, USO type. He’d airlift showgirls into war zones to make all the toons’ eyes spring out of their skulls and get awarded the Medal of Freedom.
#5. Tweety Bird
Tweety possesses an ideal level of blissful ignorance to the world around him that would make him the most deadly drone pilot the United States has ever seen.
#4. Bugs Bunny
An accomplished trickster, Bugs would run a serious misinformation PSYOP by dressing up as a beautiful woman and getting some poor, democratically elected, leader of a resource-rich nation to shoot himself in the face.
#3. Daffy Duck
For over 80 years, Daffy couldn’t sniff the top half of this list. That was until a 2012 episode of “The Looney Tunes Show” had him join a spec ops division of the U.S. Marine Corps and break Bugs out of an Albanian Prison (real). Plus, I’ve seen him take bullets to the face at point blank range and only suffer a repositioning of his bill.
#2. Cecil Turtle
At first glance he may not look that formidable, but Cecil is one of the few toons to ever outsmart Bugs Bunny. Get this geezer in a war room with one of those big glowing tables and he’d bring our boys home within six months.
I’ve seen this guy break the laws of physics hundreds of times – he’s going straight to Skunk Works.