Social media is weird, we all know that. And our connections that we have with family members on there makes it all the weirder. We are simply more comfortable with certain relatives seeing our posts online than others, so here are all of the Katamari cousins ranked by how comfortable we’d feel about connecting with them online.
#58 — Ace
Ace hates “modernity” and wants to return to “tradition”. I posted a picture of my cat once on Instagram, and Ace commented “you should have kids by now, not pets.” Thanks man, aren’t you getting divorced or something?
#57 — Fujio
Fujio is a total narc. One time in college I was tagged in a photo on Facebook where I was holding a red Solo cup at some party. Lo and behold, I got a call from my parents the next day because Fujio told them immediately. He doesn’t even know what was in that cup. I mean, it was alcohol, and I was underrage, but still. Be cool, Fujio!
#56 — Kenta
Is that The Prince? Oh, no, it’s just Kenta, who looks exactly like The Prince except with four legs, which he will quickly remind you about at absolutely every chance he gets because he’s totally self-absorbed. He’ll make every online interaction all about him, and then will blame it on his BPD when someone gets upset at him for it.
#55 — Drive
You know all those conservative rant vlogs that are filmed from the inside of a pickup truck? Drive doesn’t need to film in the truck, he is the truck, and he’s got a lot of awful things to say about the “woke mind virus,” as he so plainly puts it.
#54 — Signolo
All Signolo knows is either swipe left or swipe right. He’s the physical embodiment of a dating app. If you ever post a picture of a female friend on social media, Signolo will be there to make some uncomfortable “swipe right!” comment, guaranteed.
#53 — Norn
One time I was trying to sell an old TV on Facebook Marketplace and Norn reported it for absolutely no reason. I never found out why, and it’s still bothering me.
#52 — Paula
God, Paula is so judgemental. She was born into wealth, and has the gall to be one of those “pull yourselves up by your bootstraps” kind of people online, despite the fact that her parents pay the rent for her apartment in Silverlake.
#51 — Kuro
Kuro really just likes to keep to himself. I invited him to a few parties on Facebook a while back, and he just removed me as a friend all of a sudden. Sorry I tried to include you, Kuro. Don’t worry, it won’t happen again.
#50 — June
Have you ever made a joke on Twitter, for everyone to get it except for one person? That’s June, every time. “Not funny. I don’t get it.” I don’t know what to tell you, June. Thanks for the feedback, I guess.
#49 — Johnson
God damn it, don’t even get me started on Johnson. He’s always making super uncomfortable jokes about what his head is shaped like, and is probably going to be outed as some kind of sex creep at some point. Best to just distance yourself from him now.
#48 — Kyun
Kyun is a model, and she really acts like one, too. One time I posted a selfie that I thought looked pretty good, and she just commented “lol”. Thanks a lot, Kyun. That ruined my whole day.
#47 — Sherman
I had one funny back-and-forth with Sherman on Twitter, and now he’s hitting me up at least once a month with “dude, we should start a podcast together”. “Yeah man that would be fun, lol, kinda busy atm but we’ll see.” Dude just doesn’t… get… the hint.
#46 — Slip
Slip is really two-dimensional. Obviously his appearance too but like, it’s also his personality, which, just because you’re flat doesn’t mean our interactions have to be too. He’s quick to state the obvious on anything you post which always makes things really awkward and stilted.
#45 — Shy
Shy is always vague-posting on social media late at night. You check up on her, and she’s just like “oh I’m fine, those were just song lyrics.” Well thanks Shy, you had us all worried. If something really happens, now we’ll never know!
#44 — Velvet
Velvet is a job recruiter and, despite the fact that I’ve posted on LinkedIn several times that I am actively looking for work, she never reaches out. Come on Velvet, throw me a line, please. Isn’t family supposed to help each other out?
#43 — Odeko
I am so tired of being called a manlet by this guy. He thinks he’s such a chad just because his head is extremely tall and narrow, but he has no personality to match it. Whatever man, I’m not the soyboy– you are.
#42 — Nik
Nik is the physical manifestation of “um, actually”. He’s quick to tell you how wrong you are constantly, and always corrects me over the most minor of grievances. Did I forget the exact year that Citizen Kane came out? Yes. Do I need Nik in my replies correcting me on it? No, not really!
#41 — Opeo
“Guess who’s in the hospital again? Yep, it’s me…” Opeo is constantly farming for sympathy likes, and it stopped being “cute” forever ago. Being incredibly accident-prone is not a substitute for a personality, dude. Be more careful and keep this kind of stuff to yourself.
#40 — Pokkle
Pokkle is always commenting about how much better everything is in his home country, but never specifies exactly where that is. I posted some pictures from a fun day out at a theme park recently, and sure enough, Pokkle was there in the replies: “Oh we have way better ones back home.” That’s cool, Pokkle. And where exactly is that, again?
#39 — Harvest
Bless her soul, Harvest really is just trying her best, but she’s fallen prey to several MLM scams online. All of her posts are just shilling some mysterious product from a company no one has ever heard of. I’m afraid to even click on her profile because I might get a virus.
