Like a horrifically visaged moon, the impending release of The Legend of Zelda movie is descending upon us whether we like it or not, bringing with it death and destruction in its wake. Luckily, we are armed with a whole laundry list of complaints for such an occasion. By having these laid out in an easily accessible article, I’m sure Nintendo will concede and allow me to direct the movie instead because, really, I’m the only one who can do it justice. So, let’s begin.
#1 —The Director Sucks
Nintendo has announced that director Wes Ball will be handling the Zelda movie. Wow, already off to a horrific start. Couldn’t get anyone else besides the Maze Runner guy? Yeah, I’ve never seen those movies, but I’m sure they’re lame as hell.
#2 — They Announced It In A Tweet
This is how you know Nintendo thinks this is gonna suck. They didn’t even announce it in a Direct. Instead they just shat it out in a tweet like it was a 15% off deal on Breath of the Wild. Obviously that means they know it’s going to be a piece of shit.
#3 — The Producer Is Evil
Miyamoto named one other person in his tweet – Avi Arad, the producer. This is a huge red flag. Arad is the same guy who forced Sam Raimi to include Venom in Spider-Man 3, leading to that movie sucking eggs! Hopefully he doesn’t force Nintendo to include him in here as well.
#4 — It’s Not Animated
The colorful world of Hyrule just isn’t suited for live action. It should have been animated – preferably by Studio Ghibli, so I can just watch Princess Mononoke again. Also, now it can’t even be connected to the Mario Bros. movie. There goes my film treatment for Super Smash Bros.
#5 — The Actors Are Gonna Be Bad
We all know where this is going. Next Direct be ready for a Pratt-level meltdown from me and the other true Zelda fans when they inevitably announce Timothée Chalamet or Tom Holland as Link.
#6 — No Way Link Can Be A Good Character
Link is a mute, and has no personality. There’s simply no way that they can make him interesting, he exists only as the ‘link’ between the game and the player. So unless I get to choose every line of dialogue he says, his entire purpose and origin has been discarded.
#7 — It Should’ve Been Kirby, Damnit
Out of all the Nintendo characters and series they could have chosen, why not Kirby? It would be a true cinematic experience, watching that pink puff-ball run around on the big screen. Better than whatever garbage they’re going to make with the Zelda movie.
#8 — The Legend of Zelda Can’t Work As A Movie
This series is so engrained with video gamey stuff that there’s absolutely no way that they can put it in another medium. Well, except for the mangas, those were alright.
#9 — It’s Going To Make Zelda Mainstream
With this movie, no longer will Zelda be a niche game series. There’s going to a huge influx of new fans, each of which I already hate. They don’t have the same understanding of the series as me, cause they didn’t start with playing Ocarina of Time.
#10 — The Dialogue Will Be Cringey
Hope you’re ready for Zelda to say ‘Well THAT just happened!’ when Ganon comes and destroys her castle.
#11 — Sony Is Involved
Sony Pictures is involved with this movie, and I can’t believe I had to type that. As a loyal Nintendo soldier who hates just about anything with the Sony branding, I simply cannot think of a reason why Nintendo would choose to work with their heated rival like this. I thought they learned their lesson with the failed Nintendo PlayStation in the 90’s. Shaking my damn head.
#12 — Going To Kiddify Zelda
They’re going to make sure that even kids can enjoy this movie, and completely ruin the nuanced and sophisticated world of the Zelda series. As an adult, I need any and all media I consume to be dark and mature, like me. Not since Wind Waker came out have I been this worried about the future of this game series.
#13 — The Writer Is Awful
Who did Nintendo get to write their Zelda movie? The guy who wrote The Rise Of Skywalker. Yeah, that one. If he thought the Star Wars fans were bad, just wait till he gets a load of us.
#14 — Have To Go To Theater To See It
Unlike a video game, the superior medium, I’m going to have to leave the house to see this movie. I can’t wait to dish out like 50 bucks to see this thing, including pop and snacks, then have to be surrounded by the general public. Truly horrific.
#15 — Going To Have A Horrible Soundtrack
The Zelda series has a long list of iconic songs and tunes. So, I can’t wait to listen to the dregs of the Billboard Top 100. Or, even worse, a bunch of 80’s songs.
#16 — Will Ruin Zelda’s Character
Zelda is a damsel in distress, but I’m sure Nintendo will make it so that she’s a girlboss or something. She should only act as Link’s motivation, but nope, they’ll make it woke garbage instead.
#17 — Will Get The Lore Wrong
The process of adaptation means that they will take some creative liberties with the lore. Stuff like the Twili and the Zonai will be absolutely ruined. What a joke. I didn’t watch a cumulative total of 500 hours of video essays on Zelda lore just to have to learn something new.
#18 — Could’ve Made A New Game
With the budget that this movie will have, they could have made a brand new Zelda game, hell they probably could have made two! But no, they have to make a stupid movie that doesn’t even play on my Switch instead.
#19 — Will Completely Mess Up The Timeline
The Zelda timeline is a delicate balance of planning and pure bullshit. Now, with a movie in the mix, there will have to be significant changes. Will this take place in the child timeline or adult timeline? I’m sure these are not what they were thinking about, unfortunately.
#20 — Tingle Should Never Be Put To Film
This character should stay in the digital space. I’m actually scared as to the repercussions of making an actual human play as Tingle. Will they make him hot? Will he be a creep? These are the questions that keep me awake at night until I inevitably pre-order my tickets to see the movie at midnight.