#15 — James Madison (1809–1817)
James Madison wrote the Constitution, a.k.a. the most famous “house rules” in existence. Madison would be a gamer, sure. But he wouldn’t play video games — he’d be all-in on board games and tabletop RPGs you’ve never heard of. I’m counting that.
#14 — Franklin Pierce (1853–1857)
Nicknamed “Handsome Frank” and known for thinking that the abolition of slavery was our nation’s greatest threat, Franklin Pierce would be one of those guys who exclusively plays FIFA, but for like 12 hours a day.
#13 — Martin Van Buren (1837–1841)
Martin Van Buren would not have been hugely into modern video games, but he’d run a guild in an old MMO and he’d be an insane dick about it, constantly bringing in new members and kicking out old ones.
#12 — John Adams (1797–1801)
John Adams was a huge fucking annoying nerd who would have been into Dwarf Fortress or whatever and say things like “there’s never actually been a true roguelike.”
#11 — James Buchanan (1857–1861)
James Buchanan is known for being a pretty god-awful president, but he was the only one who never married AND he had a pet eagle. In the 1800s, if you were meant to be a gamer, but video games didn’t exist, I guess you just tried to become president. But if he was born in 1999, he’d be an extremely famous streamer.
#10 — Abraham Lincoln (1861–1865)
Abraham Lincoln, before getting into politics, was a boxer. He was a huge guy and would beat the crap outta people. If he had access to Super Smash Bros. Melee, he’d still be doing that and we’d all be living in the Confederate States of America.
#9 — Thomas Jefferson (1801–1809)
Thomas Jefferson was obsessed with religion to the point where he’d be one of those guys who gets insanely into Dark Souls or Dragon Age lore if he had the option. That shit’s way more interesting than Jesus.
#8 — William Henry Harrison (1841)
William Henry Harrison died after getting pneumonia from giving his inauguration speech in the rain. He was born in the wrong era. He was meant to be indoors playing Xenoblade Chronicles.
#7 — George H. W. Bush (1989–1993)
Was George H.W. Bush involved in the world’s most famous sniper headshot? We may never know! But the guy was head of the CIA, which is the closest you can get to living life like the whole world is just a big GTA-style video game for you fuck around in.
#6 — Ulysses S. Grant (1869–1877)
Grant was so good at being a general in the Civil War that he became president. He’d be one of those guys who was really famous for playing StarCraft: Brood War, but then have to get a normal job after the series stopped being popular less than two decades later.
#5 — Franklin D. Roosevelt (1933–1945)
The only president to have won more than two terms (let alone three), FDR would let you get next on the game once he lost and then never lose. FDR did what he needed to in order to win and his fireside chats were basically Twitch streams. He was arguably our best president ever — which you have to say with a caveat because of the incredibly racist things he did — and that’s video games for ya.
#4 — William Howard Taft (1909–1913)
President William Howard Taft famously got himself stuck in a bathtub. Now I ask you this: what if he had a Nintendo Switch with him?
#3 — Richard Nixon (1969–1974)
Look, it’s hard to make a list like this and not rank Richard Nixon at number 3 because he would be good at Among Us. The guy prolonged the Vietnam War to win reelection. He’d do the same thing to Blue, who he “saw vent” in Electrical.
#2 — George Washington (1789–1797)
A natural born leader, Washington would lead many a squad to victory in games like Fortnite and Fall Guys. He’d rally the troops, consisting of Darth Vaders and Master Chiefs, to defeat enemy teams with a commanding presence. And I’m not sure why this feels especially Gamery, but he died penniless after a doctor removed all his blood because he got a cold. Gamer alert!
#1 — Andrew Jackson (1829–1837)
Andrew Jackson was a killer. While everyone who has ever been president is a villain, Andrew Jackson is perhaps the only supervillain to have been president of the United States. He beat multiple people to death in duels and fulfilled his campaign promises of murdering thousands of Native Americans. Ultimately, he would be an excellent gamer. Old Hickory would be all-in on competitive first person shooters like Call of Duty and Valorant and he would be extremely cruel to his opponents, teabagging them at any opportunity, and then turning on voice chat to call them slurs.
