Super Smash Bros. Ultimate has collected a force of famous video game fighters unmatched by any other game. But who cares about the tier lists ranking their powers and tournament viability? Here’s every Smash Bros. character ranked by how likely they are to fall for a big dumb insurance scam.
#86 — Yoshi
Yoshi is the one pulling the insurance scams. He is not falling for his own shit. He is out here pulling scams, committing tax fraud, spitting out eggs, and shoplifting small items that he doesn’t need just for the thrill of it.
#85 — Dr. Mario
This is a doctor we’re talking about here. He’d stop a salesman halfway through their pitch and say, “You and-a me, we’re on the same-a side of this thing!”
#84 — Wario
Wario has been pulling a workers comp scam at his job for the last 20 years, after running shoulder-first into a brick wall on purpose. You’re not gonna trick him with this kinda shit, he practically invented it.
#83 — Pokémon Trainer
I guess I just find it interesting that Professor Oak’s Laboratory “accidentally” went up in flames right after he “gave” a child a charmander — which is basically a living flamethrower. And what’s that? The kid now has ₽100,000 and 400 rare candies? Very interesting indeed.
#82 — Olimar
Similar to Yoshi, Olimar is the one pulling the jobs, not falling for the scams. Ask a Pikmin about working off the clock if you don’t believe us. In fact, for years Olimar’s payroll numbers have been wildly underreported, but he seems to get a free pass in the media because he’s so stinkin’ cute.
#81 — Ganondorf
“Hey, that first payment didn’t go through. Can you just send it agai—” dash attack → up air → neutral air → down air off stage
#80 — Kazuya Mishima
You would have to be literally insane to try to pull a little scammy scam on this evil CEO who can turn into The Devil. Like best case scenario, he kills you in demon form. But if you’re unlucky, he will come after you in CEO form. That’s when you should really be afraid.
#79 — Byleth
Byleth is a teacher, which means they have to be very careful about their money, on account of the fact that they have none.
#78 — Bowser
Bowser rules a whole kingdom and is therefore skeptical of any and all insurance claims. One time he got double billed on his health insurance due to a computer error and he flew to their corporate headquarters in Nashville and burned it to the ground.
#77 — Piranha Plant
Piranha Plant eats people that get close to his property. Especially if they look like solicitors. You can’t even leave junk mail on his porch without getting hit in the face by a cloud of purple poison. Don’t even think about trying to get him to give money for a political candidate.
#76 — Steve
Steve lives out in the woods by himself and is fully self-sufficient. He’s not letting anyone touch his body or his car or his house or his whatever. He’s basically the Unabomber but square.
#75 — Ridley
Ridley is simply too large to fall for an insurance scam.
#74 — Bayonetta
Not gonna happen. The scam artist just gets all tongue tied and Bayonetta calls him a loser, which devastates the guy. He’ll spend the next few years telling anyone that will listen that she was rude to him one time, even though most people doubt his story.
#73 — Jigglypuff
Jigglypuff is part of a network of doctors telling patients they are using anesthesia, but are actually using “sing” to put people to sleep before operations and then charging them far more money.
#72 — Terry
Terry was an orphan that learned to kick ass on the streets to survive. When he was five, a local auto shop used to pay him to go key cars in nearby parking lots. He’s just too street savvy to fall for any bullshit scams, and he’ll probably tear your ass in half if you even try.
#71 — Dark Samus
Hey wait, how is Dark Samus involved in Smash Bros if they were seemingly killed at the end of Metroid Prime 3? My god, Dark Samus is running a whole insurance scam. If she’s in on the take, no way someone else is gonna fleece her.
#70 — Falco Lombardi
If Falco has been arrested no less than three times for driving without insurance, good luck to anyone trying to sell him something that requires an explanation. In fact, anytime the subject of insurance comes up around Falco, he tends to make some dark statement like, “We’re all on borrowed time anyway, why gamble on it?” Jesus, dude.
#69 — Pichu
I’m going to choose to live in a world where no one is a sick enough freak to try and scam Pichu out of money. DO NOT send me examples of people scamming cute little babies out of money, because I do not want to know. Babies don’t even have money.
#68 — Isabelle
Isabelle is the kind of person who has meticulously written down every single expense she has ever paid. If she bought a lollipop in 2003, she has the receipt saved in a file cabinet somewhere. God help whoever tries to scam her.
#67 — Shulk
Shulk is British (do not @ me with the word “Alrest”), so he’s automatically slightly less likely to get tricked into an insurance scam just because he lives in a country with a nationalized healthcare system.
#66 — Corrin
Corrin has seen far, far too much in her time to screw around with some insurance scam. Many snake oil men have attempted to rope Corrin into some hairbrained scheme, only to wind up fighting alongside Corrin. She just has that effect on people.
#65 — Solid Snake
Solid Snake doesn’t believe in insurance. You’d pitch him and then he’d just start going on about how “there’s no such thing as insurance on a battlefield.” Got it Snake. Always such a blast talking to you, dude.
#64 — Rosalina and Luma
Rosalina is like some sort of space goddess or something. She doesn’t have things that you would need insurance for. And because of that, she thinks it’s kind of silly that people complain about having to pay for it. “Health insurance? Why do you need that, silly Luigi? Just use the magic of the stars to heal your wounds!”
#63 — Lucas
More than once, a scammer has thought they had Lucas on the hook, only to see him just kind of wander off after they’ve laid out their whole plan. Not sure if he’s doing it to mess with them or not, but the guys always get really mad, and frankly that rules.
#62 — Sonic
Don’t even try. Sure, you could probably get Sonic to sign up for all sorts of dumb shit, but it’s high risk/high reward. Because if he catches you, get ready for a 20 minute PSA-style speech about how it’s wrong to try to trick people into giving you their money for no reason.
#61 — Marth
Marth’s health insurance company sent him a bogus bill for $500 in the mail and Marth saw right through it. Found a pro bono lawyer and took their ass to court. Dude can slam down-B on anything!