#20 — Donkey Kong
Donkey Kong is your classic frat boy and he’s definitely gotten a few DUIs but he and his buddies think it’s really funny and kinda wanna see who can get the most.
#19 — Mii
The Mii driver is the representation of all of us. I could be a Mii, you could be a Mii, your grandma could be a Mii, etc. And unfortunately 1.5 million people are arrested for driving under the influence each year in the United States.
#18 — Villager Boy
Villager Boy knows how to make moonshine.
#17 — Pink Gold Peach
Pink Gold Peach isn’t a different person than Princess Peach. It’s just Peach when she’s absolutely blackout trashed on expensive rosés.
#16 — Roy Koopa
It is a genuine miracle that Roy Koopa has never killed anyone driving drunk. Holy shit that guy is a menace.
#15 — Inkling Boy
Inkling Boy keeps insisting that inklings can’t get drunk because their bodies are made of liquids. There’s not really any science behind it; it’s like if someone claimed being Italian meant they couldn’t be allergic to tomatoes. He will definitely be arrested one day.
#14 — Koopa Troopa
Koopa Troopa drove a little drunk one time and didn’t get pulled over. When he got home, he looked at himself in the mirror, power flowing through his body. “I’m a god,” he whispered to himself. The next week, he got pulled over for running a red light and got beat the fuck up by three police officers.
#13 — Birdo
Birdo gets pulled over, but it’s 85% because of the giant “FUCK THE POLICE” sticker she has on the back of her car. And yeah, she’s pretty drunk, but that’s not really the point, pigs.
#12 — Princess Daisy
Daisy isn’t getting pulled over for drinking and driving. She’s on a mission to get to where she needs to go. She’s on cocaine.
#11 — Iggy Koopa
Iggy is the kind of guy who would try to pay off the cop pulling him over for drunk driving, but only give him like $20 and the cop’s like, lol no. And it would have worked if he had a 50!
#10 — Larry Koopa
Larry Koopa always insists that the only thing he needs to get through the day is getting “high off life,” but anyone who went to college with him wonders if “life” is a euphemism for “any party drug that he can find.”
#9 — Wiggler
Wiggler would never even consider driving drunk, but he is stoned out of his fucking mind whenever he’s behind the wheel. And that’s, like, considered fine. Right? Does that count?
#8 — Petey Piranha
The cops are shocked when they discover that Petey Piranha is stone cold sober after arriving at the scene of the 25-car pile-up he caused. He failed to walk in a straight line. He couldn’t touch his hand to his nose. But the problem is larger than drugs and alcohol: he has no eyes. The cops don’t care, he’s spending the night in the drunk tank.
#7 — Ludwig
Ludwig swears that if he ever gets pulled over for drinking and driving, he can just throat as much coffee as physically possible in the time that the cop walks over to his window. He’s so fucked.
#6 — Dry Bones
Dry Bones is the kinda guy who somehow got pulled over for driving drunk, got arrested, and spent the night in prison, without having a sip of beer. He’s just really really unlucky. His friends bail him and he kinda just shrugs and says sorry.
#5 — Inkling Girl
Inkling Girl actually has a drinking problem. She fills her water gun up with vodka and squirts it down her throat. She tries to squirt it down other people’s throats. Poor Luigi didn’t know how to say no at Mario’s birthday party one time.
#4 — Funky Kong
No one is quite sure if Funky Kong has ever been sober, to be quite honest. He could somehow get pulled over for drinking and driving while surfing in the ocean.
#3 — Villager Girl
Villager Girl keeps insisting that “wine doesn’t count” even though it very much does. Someone take away her keys!! Call her a Lyft!!!!
#2 — Donkey Kong Jr.
Donkey Kong Jr., above all else, is from the ’80s. Every day of his life is like that scene from The Wolf of Wall Street when Leo tries to drive while fucked up out of his mind from quaaludes.
#1 — Baby Peach
WHO LET BABY PEACH GET BEHIND THE WHEEL OF A CAR?! SHE’S TRASHED!! OH MY GOD SHE HIT A DOG. SHE’S JUST A BABY!!!!
