“None of the Halo maps are a good place to raise a family! There’s guys shooting each other all over the place and running each other over in cars!” OK first of all, have you ever heard of the American public school system? Because kids are pretty used to all that already!
Now I’ve spent a lot of time on the Halo 3 maps — perhaps more time than I’ve spent on the multiplayer maps of every other game. But in that time, I’ve either been warring with enemy Spartans and Elites, messing around in Forge, or playing Grifball. Now I am reevaluating these iconic locations when the guns are lowered and deciding, once for all, which would be the best place to move and start a family.
#24 — Standoff
I’m not an anti-vaxxer or anything like that, but look how big those satellite dishes are. We’re talkin like skyscraper-sized. There’s no way that’s good for your health. You’re gonna end up popping out babies that look like grunts and it’s NOT because you cheated on your husband with one (he used a condom!)
#23 — Blackout
Blackout is cold and miserable and your kids are going to fall to their deaths trying to walk up the elbow in the middle of the night because they had to pee.
#22 — Snowbound
Snowbound, quite frankly, seems like a miserable place to live. The houses are small and everything outside of the houses is freezing. It’s nice that you can get around pretty easily underground, for sure. And you’ve got something of a garage! But it’s a small area, and if you try to walk out and explore, you are shot to death by “The Guardians.” Who are the Guardians? Literally no one knows. There’s Halo 5 unfortunately never been a game to explore this mysterious murderous force holding you captive like an overprotective parent or serial killer.
#21 — Cold Storage
You ever check out a house or an apartment and already see black mold growing on the bathroom ceiling? Get OUT of there. Do not purchase a home that has visible Flood growing out of the sink or whatever. The low price simply isn’t worth your health!!!
#20 — Sandtrap
Sandtrap would suck to live in. It’s literally all sand. Not to state the obvious, but if Anakin Skywalker showed up there, he’d have a straight up panic attack. And yea, there’s kinda buildings, but not really. The one thing Sandtrap has going for it is the Elephants, which I think kids would have a lot of fun driving very slowly around town. Good luck flipping it back over without Master Chief around, though.
#19 — Longshore
Longshore is huge and you probably have somewhat easy access to a major Earth city, if that interests you, making it a prime location for many people looking to raise a family on a Halo 3 multiplayer map. Unfortunately, it also reeks, 100% of the time, of fish. Your children are going to be bullied at Old Mombasa Middle School so hard, they’re going to hate you for the rest of your life.
#18 — Isolation
Isolation is a major fixer upper. The backyard is disgusting (I think I found some used needlers while walking around?) and the basement is infested with Flood. But maybe if you get a reaaaaaaaally good mortgage price, you could clean it up and finish that basement? Get a big TV and a bar down there? I mean, you have to admit those giant walls surrounding the property are cool. That’s old school. They don’t make ‘em like that anymore!
#17 —Guardian
If I was a real estate agent, I would describe Guardian as a “quaint picturesque jungle location perfect for any young couples looking to buy a starter home.” Sure, it’s super easy to fall to your death in a number of places here. But of all the Halo maps where that’s true (and there are many!), this is the prettiest one. And isn’t that worth something?
#16 — Ghost Town
Wanna live in a mansion? What about one that has basically fallen apart???? That’s Ghost Town. Yeah, you’ve got a huge house that has room to host all your friends at a big fancy dinner party, but good luck trying not to get rained on at night when there’s a giant goddamn tree sticking out of your roof. You idiot.
#15 — Sandbox
Look, if you have access to Forge Mode, then Sandbox is one of the greatest places you could possibly live. You have access to any type of home you want, all right here in Sandbox! Unfortunately, though, most people outside of the extremely wealthy do NOT have access to Forge Mode at all. So enjoy living in some boxes on some sand in the middle of nowhere. This is one of the greatest class divides of the entire Halo universe.
#14 — Narrows
OK I’m gonna be straight with you here. Narrows can be a great place to live — it’s roomy, pretty, and has two lovely bases for you to set up your furniture and television. But you really really need to consider this if you’re going to move to Narrows: how smart are your kids? Now I don’t mean to offend, but seriously, think about it. Because if you’re worried they’re even a little bit dumb, don’t move to Narrows. They’re going to get in the man-cannons wrong and fall. I’ve seen it happen SO many times.
#13 — Rat’s Nest
Rat’s Nest is ugly, it’s named after a place where rats live, and it’s covered in dirt. But you cannot deny that it has a lot of room and a cool road for your kid to learn how to drive a mongoose, and eventually a warthog, on. That’s a lot. You just have to make sure you keep the place operational — checking the boiler and such, like you’re Jack Torrence in a really ugly version of The Shining. But you’re not gonna go crazy, right? You’re gonna get so much writing done!
#12 — Orbital
I don’t know what it is about Orbital, but I’ve been playing Halo 3 my whole life and I still get lost here. No idea how to navigate this place at all. So no, I’m not going to be moving my family to Orbital and I don’t care if you think that’s dumb. Its layout simply refuses to solidify in my brain.
#11 — Heretic
Sure, it’s kind of cool to live on a spaceship, but Heretic is small af. It’s like trying to raise a child in a studio apartment, because really, there’s not any rooms or anything. It’s just a big living room and some circular hallways. And yet, despite being such a tiny environment to raise a family, boy would it be a nightmare to clean. Imagine climbing up onto the energy sword platform trying to scrub purple metal with a washcloth. Absolutely not.
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