#15 — Zagreus
Zagreus would be the most even match for me. But even if I beat him, big text appears that says “DEATH DEFIED!” and apparently my score is suddenly 0??? Hardly seems fair.
#14 — Poseidon
I get a good lead on Poseidon before he pops the ball with his trident and tells everyone that he won. It’s not technically true, but they’ll never believe me over the god of the seas.
#13 — Charon
Charon and I would have a really close game, but only because he holds back. If he was more of a guy who wanted the spotlight, he could probably top the list.
#12 — Thanatos
Thanatos probably just ends my life with his scythe. I guess that counts as him winning?
#11 — Achilles
Achilles is a legendary warrior and Olympian, so it makes sense that he’s high on the list. That being said, if I get a cheap shot to his heel, I wash him easily.
#10 — Hades
Hades has to be top 10, as an old Underworld law forbids him being anything less than the tenth-best at something. Honestly, though, I kinda think the dude is a bona fide scrub. Ever since Persephone came back around, he’s just a softy. Another easy win for me.
#9 — Zeus
No way I can compete with Zeus’ vertical. Although I stand at a towering 5’7″, the god of the skies is putting me on a poster every single possession.
#8 — Meg
Meg beats me but I don’t even care. I’m looking pathetic on the court begging her for a date. Please, God, Meg, I’ll do anything.
#7 — Ares
How my game would go with Ares all depends on his attitude towards competition. If he wants an honest game and loves overcoming adversity, I think he holds back and I get some points on the board. If he’s just feeling bloodthirsty, it was nice knowing everyone.
#6 — Sisyphus
I would hate playing against Sisyphus. He has incredibly high strength and endurance from pushing a boulder for eternity. After bullying me in the paint for the entire duration of the game, he would come up to me, shake my hand, and say “good game, we both played bad!” Fuck off, Sisyphus.
#5 — Hermes
Not only does Hermes zoom across the court faster than I could ever dream of running, but he’s really cocky about it the whole time. It’s not even close.
#4 — Chaos
Chaos is completely unpredictable, and that’s what makes them one of the best hoopers in the Underworld. Of course I can read Alecto cutting to the basket on every single possession. Chaos, though? No clue what this fucker will do next.
#3 — Athena
I stand no shot against the goddess of wisdom, and you’re a moron if you think you do. She makes zero wrong decisions on either side of the ball. She would dice me up, and also be a generational point guard on a pro team.
#2 — Artemis
Of course the goddess of the hunt never misses a damn 3-pointer.
#1 — Asterius
Not only does Asterius wash me 21-0, but he likely could dominate the entirety of the NBA. There’s not a single paint protector in the league who could stop the charge of a minotaur. Theseus loses miserably because all he cares about is glory. Asterius will play purely for the love of the game, and that’s what makes him the GOAT of the Underworld.
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