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Every Hades Character Ranked by Their Chance of Beating Me in 1-on-1 Basketball

The Underworld of Hades is filled with diverse and interesting characters. Hot gods with hot bods are plentiful, along with terrifying monsters & renowned warriors. What better place to find a pick-up game to test my skills? Here’s how I, a slightly-below-average-physique 22-year-old, fare against the notable citizens of the Underworld in one-on-one basketball.

#31 — Bouldy

Glorified Wilson from Castaway isn’t doing jackshit against me on the court.

#30 — Tisiphone

Try as I might, I don’t think Tisiphone would be capable of understanding the rules of basketball.  It took Zagreus countless hours and deaths before she learned how to even say anything other than “murder.” Explaining basketball is a lost cause. I win by DQ here, but don’t feel very good about it.

#29 — Skelly

Skelly’s kindness is his downfall in basketball. After I miss my first shot of the game, Skelly would spend his possession teaching me better shooting form so I make my next one. I beat Skelly 21-0, but he’s cheering me on the whole time.

#28 — Orpheus

This dork gets absolutely schooled on the court. I’m far from a skilled athlete, but I’d be willing to bet a hefty sum that Orpheus hasn’t even touched anything resembling a basketball, not to mention there’s no shot he ever does cardio. 21-0 if we’re playing full-court, though he might get a lucky shot or two up if we’re playing half-court.

#27 — Dusa

Dusa doesn’t have the confidence to hoop. She probably makes one shot, suddenly gets really shy, and mysteriously floats away.

#26 — Patroclus

At his peak, Patroclus washes me. But he’s far from that peak. The malnourished current state of Patroclus gets dominated by me in the paint with a final score of 21-4 (as long as he doesn’t dejectedly quit halfway through).

#25 — Eurydice

Eurydice fares a bit better than Orpheus, mostly because constantly singing means she has major stamina. That being said, she still has zero muscle, so I post up easily every single possession. 21-5 final score.

#24 — Hypnos

Hypnos and I would schedule a time for the game, but he would never show up, no matter how many times we try to reschedule. He gets higher on the list because it’s hard to say if it counts as losing, but I’m considering it a forfeit.

#23 — Persephone

Persephone is arguably the least remarkable of the gods on the list. She could summon… vines to tangle my feet, maybe? Another easy win.

#22 — Theseus

Theseus comes in lower than you might expect, entirely because he’s a cocky asshole. He’s going to bring a whole crowd, try to do a cool dribble move, and fail miserably every time, except for maybe one or two. The “carried by Asterius” allegations are absolutely true.

#21 — Cerberus

Cerberus is absolutely capable of beating me one-on-one. However, Zagreus has proven that it’s incredibly easy to distract him. I don’t think I beat him if he’s focused, but one Satyr sack ensures he definitely never beats me.

#20 — Demeter

Okay, this is now the sad part of the list: the part where I realize that more than half the cast of Hades schools me on the court. Demeter doesn’t have any physical aptitude, but her ice powers make it pretty impossible to drive in the paint. I lose to Demeter, but complain about “stupid god bullshit” the whole time.

#19 — Dionysus

Dionysus just gets us both really wasted, and I don’t remember a damn thing about the game. He says he won, and I don’t have much of a choice but to believe him.

#18 — Alecto

Alecto beats me from pure aggression, playing insane defense and driving in for a dunk every time. She also yells obscenities at me the entire time, making me feel like shit and waking up the entire neighborhood.

#17 — Aphrodite

Aphrodite has mean handles that you wouldn’t believe. That being said, assuming we’re playing at a public court, the cops are being called immediately unless she agrees to put some clothes on.

#16 — Nyx

Nyx is a lockdown defender, making it pitch-black anytime I get a possession. I’m not gonna be able to see anything on offense the entire game. Well done, I guess, but like Demeter, it feels like cheating.

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