There’s plenty of commentary online about the fashion choices Final Fantasy characters make. Whether they’re wearing vests that are inappropriate for the climate, styling their hair in ways that defy physics, or strapping an excessive number of belts in places they don’t belong, these characters certainly have a flair for the dramatic.
It’s not hard to imagine them taking their sartorial enthusiasm to its natural conclusion: drag. But which protagonist would bring home the Drag Race FF crown, winning
an enormous cash prize a trip to Square Enix headquarters and the opportunity to appear in an upcoming mobile game? Check the list below to find out.
Note: Final Fantasy XI and XIV are MMOs, so the protagonist is a player-created character. Rather than leaving those games off the list, I’ve included the NPCs that usually represent the entries in other titles.
Honorable Mention — Warriors of Light (Final Fantasy)
Drag Name: They can never stick with one
You know the Warriors of Light from your local scene. They keep talking about how they’re going to submit a tape for Drag Race, but it’s absolutely wild they think they’d make it. They claim they’re “chameleons” and “pioneers” but they’ve only got six looks between the four of them — twelve, if we’re being generous. Question for the Warriors of Light: If you’re such iconic queens, why doesn’t anyone know your names?
24 — Cecil Harvey (Final Fantasy IV)
Drag Name: Mindy Moon
Out of drag, Cecil is stuffy, awkward, and modest. But once he puts on his makeup and gets on stage? Yeah, still stuffy, awkward, and modest. He’s having a good time, though, and won’t take it too personally when he gets the Porkchop treatment. He’ll be happy to watch from the sidelines and cheer on his friends.
23 — Luneth (Final Fantasy III)
Drag Name: Olivia Onion
Luneth sashays away very early after an embarrassing onion-themed Commercial Challenge. He will mention the Drag Race in all future marketing, but most people will honestly forget he was part of the cast at all.
22 — Cloud Strife (Final Fantasy VII)
Drag Name: Lexx Soldier
He’s got the most drag experience of anyone on this list, sure. That doesn’t mean he would last very long. You know who else had a ton of experience? Joe Black and Vivacious.
21 — Gladiolus Amicitia (Final Fantasy XV: Episode Gladiolus)
Drag Name: Gladdy Glucious
You know how it’s always neat at first when there’s more than one queen from the same scene and they know each other, but it gets grating really quickly? Imagine if there were five of them. Gladiolus is definitely going to be the most obnoxious about it. This might be wishful thinking, but I think he gets the chop early.
20 — Serah Farron (Final Fantasy XIII-2)
Drag Name: Thunder (Ugh, I know)
There will definitely be a bit of a Sugar and Spice vibe with Serah and Lightning because they’re siblings and everything they wear is off the rack. Everyone will hate them until Serah badly loses a Lip Sync For Your Life, earning her a little bit of sympathy out of sheer secondhand embarrassment.
19 — Firion (Final Fantasy II)
Drag Name: Rose Wild
All of the other queens would pay homage to Firion by talking about how much she inspired them when they were getting into the scene. Ru would let Firion stick around for a few weeks out of respect, but this new generation is just too much for him to handle, and frankly, he’s lost a step.
18 — Clive Rosfield (Final Fantasy XVI)
Drag Name: Cid the Outlaw
Once he learns about the plight of the Pit Crew, his whole world is going to be turned upside down.
17 — Noel Kreiss (Final Fantasy XIII-2)
Drag Name: Blu Blayze
Noel would fight really hard for a particular part during an Acting Challenge, then totally blow it by not going big enough. The guest judge would even give him that exact note in the rehearsal and he would act all grateful then give an even worse performance during the challenge.
16 — Zack Fair (Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII)
Drag Name: Zax Zymbol
Zack’s good looks, charming personality, and immediate aptitude at anything he tries should take him far, but he’ll eventually leave voluntarily, saying that competing against his friends is messing with his mental health. He’ll come to regret that decision and join a season of All Stars, where he’ll lose after Sephiroth chooses Zack’s lipstick despite the fact that they had formed an alliance.
15 — Prompto Argentum (Final Fantasy XV: Episode Prompto)
Drag Name: Cammie Rah
Prompto is a comedy queen who unexpectedly wins an early Photoshoot Challenge and gets way too big for his britches. Yeah, you know a lot about photography. You still can’t dance, Prompto.
14 — Bartz Klauser (Final Fantasy V)
Drag Name: Betty Batz
Bartz’s carefree attitude and frequent use of strange, old-timey expressions would definitely earn him an early reputation as a comedy queen. That will end up working against him when he totally bombs an Improvisation Mini Challenge. Sure, it’s not as bad as screwing up a Maxi or runway, but it would eat at him for the rest of the episode and torpedo his chances of avoiding a bottom two finish.
13 — Ignis Scientia (Final Fantasy XV: Episode Ignis)
Drag Name: Spencer Spexx
Everyone would underestimate Ignis until there was a Stand-up Challenge or Roast. He would shock everyone with a clever and insightful routine, but would still get absolutely destroyed in the edit. Just hard cuts to stone-faced audience members interlaced with the other queens destroying him in talking head interviews. He’d also perform an impressive lip sync due to his heightened non-sight senses, but he’d still get the chop. Ru has seen enough.
12 — Y’shtola (Final Fantasy XIV)
Drag Name: Shtola Shade
Y’shtola plays high-status characters very well, but falls on her face when she needs to clown a little after being assigned Zidane in an Everybody Loves Puppets Challenge. Throughout the season, she provides some well-appreciated contrast with a few expertly-executed masc looks. Han Solo, Rambo, even Brando from Streetcar — just some really interesting ideas that you don’t see a lot on the show.
11 — Lightning (Final Fantasy XIII)
Drag Name: Lightning is already her drag name
After Serah gets sent home, Lightning will get a generous edit and keep advancing even when she totally doesn’t deserve to. Everyone will talk about how she has “grown” in the absence of her sister. Please.
10 — Tidus (Final Fantasy X)
Drag Name: Tiddy Blitz
TRADE ALERT! No, I don’t mean Tidus is getting dealt to another blitzball team. Unfortunately, he’s also dumb as a rock. This poor himbo is gonna get read to shreds, and he won’t even understand the jokes. Plus, his looks would get stale quick: “Oh, cool, you incorporated your passion for blitzball into your outfit. Again.”
9 — Noctis Lucis Caelum (Final Fantasy XV)
Drag Name: Lia Regal
So, yeah, he took his drag name from his dad’s car. There’s a lot to unpack there. But honestly, I think Noctis could really find himself through drag. He definitely possesses the leadership necessary to keep everyone in line during a Girl Group Challenge. He’s not finishing at the top, but he’d stick around for a bit.
8 — Vaan (Final Fantasy XII)
Drag Name: Ratsbane
Vaan hangs around way longer than you would expect, because nothing he does really stands out at all, good or bad. He does just well enough to get through the challenges, but eventually falls flat on his face when forced to improvise. He just freezes.
7 — Yuna (Final Fantasy X-2)
Drag Name: Tiny B.
Yuna would be in a fight for her life from week one. Luckily, her extensive wardrobe and status as a certified lip-sync assassin would keep her in the game longer than many would expect. Her downfall would come via a terrible impression of Paine during Snatch Game.
6 — Shantotto (Final Fantasy XI)
Drag Name: Doctor Shan
Shantotto isn’t here to make friends — in fact, she openly expresses her disdain about all of the other contestants, frequently mentioning how much better her drag is. The one person she respects is Ru, who she refers to exclusively as “Mother.” Despite a disappointing finish, she builds a strong brand, refusing to accept a future invitation to All Stars because she believes she’s gotten too big for the show.
5 — Ardyn Izunia (Final Fantasy XV: Episode Ardyn)
Drag Name: Mars Sapientia
Ardyn doesn’t win, but he’s this season’s producer. He’ll be protected until close to the final challenge to maximize drama. It’s not entirely unearned, either. He’s incredible with makeup, which really helps him out during the Makeover Challenge, when they bring in Dragon Quest protagonists to try drag.
4 — Terra Branford (Final Fantasy VI)
Drag Name: Ann Igma
Terra would fly under the radar at first, managing to stay in the game with Moogle-inspired runway looks. Just as everyone started to sleep on her, she would take some rehearsal notes from Michelle to heart and absolutely own the Rusical. That performance alone would get her an appearance on All Stars sometime down the line.
3 — Vincent Valentine (Dirge of Cerberus: Final Fantasy VII)
Drag Name: Vicky Sins
Vincent is a master at creating a striking silhouette. He might not have a ton of looks, but they’re all top tier. He’d kill the Photoshoot Challenge. Also, try and tell me that his whole taciturn persona isn’t just a bit that he’s way too committed to. You can’t.
2 — Squall Leonhart (Final Fantasy VIII)
Drag Name: Grace Griever
You might think that it would be difficult to incorporate a gunblade into a runway look every week, but you would be wrong. It’s a gunblade. It goes with everything.
1 — Zidane Tribal (Final Fantasy IX)
Drag Name: Tandy Lush
Zidane is Ru’s clear favorite from episode one. A bright, lively face in a sea of sullen countenances, Ru would protect Zidane even when he fucks up because he doesn’t know how to sew even thought there’s always a challenge that involves sewing. He even has the perfect “tragic backstory that belies his carefree persona” to share once he reaches the final four! There’s just no contest here. Unfortunately, the win will eventually be tarnished when the allegations of harassment surface.