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“As President, I Will Change the Hierarchy of World Power,” Our Interview With Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson

We sat down with actor, tequila salesman, and presidential hopeful Dwayne Johnson to ask him all about his career and future ambitions.

How did you choose the name The Rock?

“I had a very Batman-esque origin story. As a kid, I fell into a well filled with rocks. Since then, I’ve always feared them.”

What’s next for you?

“I’ve been working with my agents and producers and executives to negotiate a role as the leader of the free world.”

Are you really going to run for president someday?

“Yes. As a blockbuster actor, I think it’s important to keep getting bigger and bigger roles. President of the United States is the obvious next step after the colossal hit that was Black Adam.”

What would your campaign slogan be?

“Can you smell what The Rock is cooking? It should smell something like new tax laws!”

Do you think you need more political experience to run for president?

“No, I believe I am very capable of changing the hierarchy of world power. And hopefully that’s a good thing for our country.”

What would be your pitch to the American people?

“You’ve watched me beat up countless bad guys. Now I need your help to bitch slap our nation’s greatest enemy, whoever or whatever that may be.”

Who is the best actor you ever worked with?

“The CGI gorilla from Rampage.”

Has the rise in computer technology made movies better or worse?

“I think better. Take the Fast and Furious movies, for example; you could never make those movies in the past. But with modern CGI, you can film it in a way that I don’t ever have to be in the same room as that swine Vin Diesel.”

How do you feel about the SAG-AFTRA strike?

“It’s so important that actors can be paid a living wage. You know, I was once an actor, before I became a symbol larger than life and more powerful than god.”

How do you feel about the WGA strike?

“I am honestly not really sure what a writer is.”

Do you prefer being called Mr. Johnson or The Rock?

“Honestly, I just like that both of them kind of sound like euphemisms for a penis.”

If you could work with any actor, living or dead, who would you choose?

“I’d clone myself so that I could finally make the movie I’ve been dreaming of making my entire life, in which two extremely muscular ex-military bald guys save the world from an earthquake or some shit like that.”

What’s it like working with Kevin Hart?

“Kevin Hart is like a son to me. I’m only a few years older than him, sure, but compared to me, he is very small like a child. And I treat him as such.”

Would you ever star in a superhero movie?

“I literally just did. It was called Black Adam and fans said it was one of the best movies they had ever seen. Did you not know that? You know about Black Adam, right? Fans said it was one of the best movies they had ever seen!”

Do you ever miss wrestling?

“I never actually stopped. Every single night, I wrestle with my demons as I try to go to sleep.”

If Hollywood really starts using AI, how will that affect your career?

“It’s important to be self-sustaining. That’s why I purchased several acres of jungle and hundreds of tan button-down short-sleeve shirts so I can continue filming my own movies for the rest of my life.”

What was it like being in Fortnite?

“That was some of the most grueling motion capture I’ve ever done. Building all those houses was especially difficult wearing one of those green morph suits with the little white balls. But apparently people are now living in the houses, so I guess that’s cool.”

Do you have any new projects you’re working on?

“We are currently developing a sequel to Young Rock that will play simultaneously called Old Rock where a really old guy playing me gets into a ton of shenanigans at a nursing home.”

Do you have any questions for me?

“How would you describe the company’s culture?”

Oh it’s so bad, Dwayne. You really don’t want to work here. I mean look at all the lists we’re doing. It’s a nightmare, Dwayne. You should definitely stick with being a massive movie star. Just gotta be honest, here.

“OK well thank you so much for the interview. I really look forward to hearing from you, and I hope we can be in touch. Thank you again.”