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Are the Aliens Real? We Investigated BOTH SIDES of the Argument and Found the TRUTH

Are there actually aliens out there on our planet? With all the disinformation, it’s so hard to tell what’s real and what’s fake. Thankfully, we’ve gone through the details and found the arguments on both sides of this issue, presenting for you to make your own conclusion. Here’s all the YESes and all the NOs!

YES: Everything is terrible, so why not?

From global pandemics, to invasions of killer bugs, to tornadoes made of fire, it seems like every single day we get news that the world is an even more horrifying hellhole than the day it was before. So fuck it. Why not aliens now?

NO: Intelligence agents literally lie about everything

Oh wow, the guy who just recovered from Havana Syndrome says he saw a little green guy? Let me guess: the aliens just took over a bunch of countries in the Middle East with huge supplies of oil and we’ve gotta go to war with them to SAVE EARTH!

YES: The guy from Blink-182 said he saw an alien

Blink-182 are the great thinkers of our time. From their Marxist sayings like, “work sucks, I know” to their contemplations on aging like, “nobody likes you when you’re 23,” Blink-182 has led millions to the everlasting fountain of knowledge.

NO: Blink-182 has not put out a good song in decades

Blink-182 can’t be on the forefront of the greatest scientific discovery of my generation. They just can’t be. This is like if Sum 41 stops climate change.

YES: There’s all sorts of crazy shit out there

One time I literally saw a ghost. Well, I didn’t see a ghost, but I felt the presence of a ghost. Like I was just sitting around and boom: it felt like there was another person in the room with me, even though there WASN’T. So anyway it’s pretty small-minded to think there’s not aliens.

NO: Humans are special

If there’s aliens out there in the world, then humans aren’t special anymore. Is that what you want? You don’t want to be a special little species anymore? What’s next, trying to make sure the planet doesn’t die?! GROW UP.

YES: You have to do your own research

It’s easy to say that the government is simply lying about having aliens, but if you just do all of your own independent research, you can connect the dots for yourself. Check out this blog that looks like it hasn’t been updated since 1995, but it HAS.

NO: I am not going to do my own research

I am not a scientist and I’m sorry but you sound like an anti-vaxxer. I write jokes about Waluigi doing sex acts for a living. 

YES: Statistically, aliens must exist somewhere

If you think about how many gajillion planets there are in the universe, there simply HAS to be one that can also sustain sentient life. If you think aliens don’t exist anywhere in space then what you really don’t believe in is math. You’re on some 2+2=5 shit fr.

NO: Show me a picture of the aliens

If the government has actually obtained aliens, then they need to show me some kind of photo or video of the aliens that doesn’t look like it was taken with a device made in 1907. DO NOT tell me you have a “video” of an alien and then show me a black and white video of a dot “moving in a way that isn’t possible.” 

YES: If you actually saw a picture of the aliens, you would still think it’s fake

One time I sent you a picture of the dog I got and you literally thought it was photoshopped because of the “pixels” until I brought you to my house and introduced you to the dog. If someone leaks a picture of the alien, you’re just gonna say it’s CGI or AI or “a really good drawing.”

NO: The government claimed to have a UFO and non-human bodies

That doesn’t even mean anything about aliens! That could literally be a piece of debris from a weird airplane that crashed into a squirrel! Wow, the President has obtained a hostile non-human body?! Yeah, he has three dogs that keep biting the shit out of people at the White House.

YES: Did you see that video of Mitch McConnell?

You cannot tell me it didn’t look like he was either possessed by an alien in that moment or he literally is an alien and his body suit malfunctioned. I’m sorry, I’m a reasonable person but I refuse to believe for a second that Mitch McConnell is a regular human being.

NO: Everybody who runs our country is 1,000 years old

The scarier reality than the potential existence of aliens is the fact that we are being ruled by an evil race of goblin-people whose bodies are withering away before our very eyes and they’re straight up just human politicians who are really old.

YES: It would be cool if aliens were real

I cannot keep waking up, going to work, eating dinner, watching a TV show, going to sleep, and doing the same thing the next day. We need aliens to be real. This shit is so goddamn boring. An alien race needs to blow up Boston with a laser or some shit or I’m gonna lose my mind.

NO: I’m rewatching The Sopranos

I’m only on season 2 and if aliens show up and destroy the power grid or some shit like that I’m going to dissociate and become untethered from reality.

CONCLUSION: Maybe aliens exist?

The important thing is that we are going to hedge our bets either way so that no matter what happens, we can point to something we said that was kind of true and we can gloat over everyone who was too cowardly to boldly predict the future like we have.

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