What’s up, it’s ya boy, PuffPuffSmash, the best Kirby main in the Shawnee State University E-League, teaming up with Hard Drive to teach you how to play that one tough cream puff. If you wanna fly through the ranks as the Star Warrior himself, you gotta know more than combos and matchups. The most important thing you need to learn to play Kirby, is what everyone tastes like.
I’ve been in the lab (and in the kitchen) since Ultimate came out, and I can now offer the definitive flavors of every character. Let’s get started.
Mario & Luigi
You’d wanna say Mario & Luigi tastes like some Italian dish, but that’s a rookie mistake, and kind of racist. No, with their high fiber diet of mushrooms, these brothers taste like healthy colons. Of course, Luigi is saltier, due to the constant fear sweat.
Link
Link tastes like thousand-year-old leftovers. What kind of leftovers? Doesn’t matter at that point, it’s bad!
Samus
Samus tastes like pennies.
Zero Suit Samus
Zero Suit Samus tastes like the inside of a cast made of pennies.
Dark Samus
Dark Samus tastes like Zotz, the hard candy with a fizzy surprise inside.
Donkey Kong
Donkey Kong tastes like a frozen Hot Pocket, to match his icy heart that hoards bananas from the rest of Kong Isle.
Diddy Kong
Diddy Kong tastes like complicity.
Yoshi
Yoshi is warm and full of eggs! So, he obviously tastes like a nice quiche.
Kirby
What does Kirby himself taste like? Tofu. No flavor on his own, but absorbs the flavor of what’s around him.
Fox
Fox tastes like cardboard. Flat, and no spices.
Falco
Falco tastes like different cardboard.
Wolf
Wolf tastes like pressboard. It shares ingredients with cardboard, but it is much heavier.
Pikachu & Pichu
Pikachu tastes like batteries. But, Pichu tastes like Pop Rocks!
Ness
Ness tastes like pork.
Lucas
Lucas tastes like New Pork.
Ganondorf
Ganondorf tastes like Demon Pork (which is just SPAM).
Captain Falcon
Captain Falcon tastes like butter, because greasing up is the only way he slips into that suit.
Jigglypuff
Jigglypuff tastes like a NyQuil gummy bear.
Peach & Daisy
Peach & Daisy both taste like macarons, because they’re rich and light without a care in the world.
Isabelle
Meanwhile, Isabelle tastes like the convenience store sandwich you grab racing between your two jobs, because she’s the working class hero.
