#15 — Bots will be eliminated
CEO Linda Yaccarino has assured users that the AI-powered platform will have absolutely no problem with bots. Computer generated AI users, however, will be another matter altogether.
#14 — Higher comment priority the more money you pay
The bluecheck will become a sliding scale payment where your comments will get more priority the more money you pay a month. This ensures that the smartest, richest minds can finally get their voices heard.
#13 — Catturd3
Following Catturd2’s public disapproval of Elon Musk, Musk has announced that X has created a new fully AI-powered Catturd that makes just as many references to shitting in his pants but never criticizes its creator.
#12 — No more shadowbanning
From now on, if you violate X’s rules and your account is removed from the algorithm, there will simply be a public star on your profile that says “Jude.”
#11 — Twitter Blue will become X Blue
Worried that your highly mocked and visibly desperate status icon is disappearing? Well don’t be, because X Blue will be identical to Twitter Blue!
#10 — Redistribution of followers
For too long, the oppressed lowbies of Twitter have been forced to deal with low engagement simply because their posts are “not funny or good.” New protocols on X, however, will remove followers from big accounts and redirect them over to accounts that nobody has wanted to follow thus far.
#9 — Instead of “What’s happening?” it’s now gonna say “Yo whaddup doggie?”
This is just one of Elon Musk’s hilarious little jokes that everyone loves seeing on the website.
#8 — All of Spider-Man: No Way Home as a video
For upwards of two hours, users will be able to post all of Spider-Man: No Way Home as a video on their account until Disney sees that it has “10 million views” and sues X for every dollar that it has.
#7 — Continued insistence on ‘X’ branding
Soon tweets, retweets, and direct messages will all be known as ‘X’s. Musk believes the site can be all ‘X’s by 2025.
#6 — Renaming famous movies
Elon Musk has been trying to convince Vin Diesel to rename his most recent film to be “Fast Twitter.”
#5 — Closer ties to Saudi government
Elon Musk is working closely with the Saudi Arabia officials to get more posts on the social media site X threatening other countries with a “second 9/11.”
#4 — More kitchen sink gags
He’s really gotta let that go.
#3 — Severe consequences for hate speech
If you call someone a “pedo,” you better have a good reason!
#2 — Whatever he thinks of that day
Elon has promised that whatever big features he brings to the new company, which is set to be a social media site that’s also a podcasting platform as well as half of all banking worldwide, is dedicated to dropping everything on any given day to work on whatever random shit he just thought of on the spot while replying to his fans.
#1 — Public feuds with satire websites
Musk has promised to continue to get into public spats with websites like video game satire site Hard Drive where, despite having millions of followers, his posts get far less engagement as a result of being deeply embarrassing and unfunny.
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