While video game heroes are off gallivanting around the world, their bosses are often stuck in rectangular rooms, twiddling their thumbs. This is the bitter cost of an endless sea of collectibles; wasting a villain’s valuable time. But not every boss is content to stare unblinkingly at the door, hoping against hope that someone, anyone, will arrive to challenge them. No, the best of the best distract themselves with hobbies and activities to while away the hours waiting for players to “git gud” enough to challenge them. We spoke to 20 of them about how they pass the time waiting for the hero to arrive.
Yellow Devil — Mega Man
“I- SPLIT- MY BODY- INTO TWO- SMALLER VERSIONS- SO WE CAN- HOLD HANDS- AND CUDDLE. UwU.”
Ornstein and Smough — Dark Souls
Ornstein: “I spend about 14 hours a day darting around the room trying to distract Smough so he doesn’t use his body weight to bust open the back room and sexually harass Gwynevere.”
Smough: (bashing back room door) “BOOBYYYY!”
Bowser — Super Mario series
“I’ve been taking piano lessons through LinkedIn Learning and they’ve really been paying off. I’m thinking of dropping the whole evil kidnapper thing and going into music full-time. You know, like a reverse R. Kelly. GWA HA HA HA!”
Dracula — Castlevania series
“As you might expect from a being of my caliber, I enjoy reading classic literature and poetry. It helps inspire me to think of devious, soul-cutting shit to say to Belmonts when they step into my room. Like, ‘Humanity is a cancer for which there is no chemotherapy.’ Ehrm, I’m still workshopping that one.”
Sephiroth — Final Fantasy VII
“If I’m not styling my hair or shopping for leather capes and cloaks online, I’m usually on the phone kicking up my heels and gossiping with Minnie Mouse, Daisy Duck, and the rest of my Kingdom Hearts galpals.”
Ridley — Super Metroid
“I like to pogo on my tail! Boing, boing, boing! I may be a hardened killer, but even I enjoy a good bouncey-bounce! Boing, boing! My record is 41,202. It is! Yes, yes!”
Dr. Robotnik — Sonic the Hedgehog series
“Using my vast and unrivaled intellect, I research hedgehogs, foxes, and echidnas, studying their biology, learning their weaknesses, and sketching them in various erotic positions in the typical pregnant and inflated fan art styles.”
Sigma — Mega Man X
“When the humans see me, they whisper and laugh, repeating the same phrase. In my free time I conduct research to try to understand it, and yet, I stand before you baffled. What is ‘Sigma Balls?’ I beg of you! Tell me! This obsession consumes me!”
Ganon — Legend of Zelda series
“I typically order a supreme from every pizza place in Hyrule, morph into pig form, then literally go ham. But not as a topping, of course. That would be disturbing.”
Wesker — Resident Evil series
“Though it pains me to admit this, I spend much of the time waiting for my eyes to adjust to the dark environments that surround me. Wearing sunglasses all the time has its shortcomings. If someone has HDR high-contrast mode on, I’m basically as blind as a licker.”
Malenia — Blade of Miquella, Elden Ring
“I practice my poker face. I need to make sure I don’t laugh when the player screams, ‘Fuck me! I thought she was dead,’ as I enter my second phase.”
Nightmare King Grimm — Hollow Knight
“I just put in my headphones and jam, man. Only hardcore stuff though. My Chemical Romance, Evanescence, Paramore. Shit that really makes me feel something in my guts, you know?”
Grim Matchstick — Cuphead
“We’re working on our singing, fella! How’d you like some acapella? Beach Boys, Weezer, Counting Crows? We’re partial to ‘God Only Knows’!”
Goro — Mortal Kombat
“Me have four hands and 16 hairy knuckles. Make own lotion. You not want know.”
Isshin, the Sword Saint — Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice
“I’ve taught myself the violin. I learned Finnish, Icelandic, and Mandarin Chinese. Now I’m researching cold fusion. I mean, I’ve got the time. Nobody ever reaches me anyway.”
Liquid Snake, Metal Gear Solid
“I try on different disguises for my phony baloney codex calls. I’ve been Mei Ling this entire time, and nobody’s called me out on it.”
Kamoshida — Persona 5
“Honestly, if I admitted to the shit I did I in my spare time I’d be back in jail again.”
Giovanni — Pokemon Red/Blue/Yellow
“I cover my feet in Miltank Butter and let Meowth go to town. It’s much cheaper than a foot rub, and it counts as pet food.”
Shang Tsung — Mortal Kombat series
“I transform into Johnny Cage, then call into Fox News and let my wildest conspiracy theories fly. It’s fun to watch his IMDB Starmeter plummet in real time.”
Kefka — Final Fantasy 6
“Oh, I’m a creature of comfort, hee hee! I like to sit on a nice comfy couch and put on a record of all my victims screaming in unison. There’s something so soothing about their death rattles! I’m out like a light in moments.”
