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20 Unplayable Garbage Games Coincidentally on Platforms I Don’t Own

Remember the good old days, when games were well-made, provided countless hours of fun, and my parents still loved me? Yeah, when I think of the best gaming days of my youth, I think the fall of 2001, a time when everything was right in the world. There we were, crowded around the TV set, bouncing around each other’s Monkey Balls and loving every second of it. Why can’t games today capture that feeling I had back then? Nowadays it feels like every release is broken unplayable garbage, and no, not just because I can’t afford the current consoles or because my Gateway PC is still running Windows ME. This is an unbiased and extensive look at the 20 worst modern games of all time, according to me, a guy who has seen them on YouTube.

#20. Returnal

Oh, so it’s like Metroid but there’s no Samus and I can’t even become a ball (I assume)? Why would I play this trash when I could just play Metroid Prime on my GameCube? Metroid Prime was ahead of its time in 2002, and if Returnal came out in 2021, that means it’s like 30 years behind its time. And that’s just math. Nice try, “Sony.”

#19. Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice

Oh, so you jump around like Mario, but you only have two lives? Then they take out all the coins so you can’t earn any more? And where the fuck is Yoshi? This is a conceptual nightmare. Plus you can tell from the cover art that the game takes itself way too seriously. Games should be like my birthday, going to Hooters with the boys from the free clinic, not a trip to some museum of boredom. If I wanted to learn about Japanese history, I’d just play Ikaruga.

#18. Halo: Infinite

More like Halo: Un-fun-ite. There was already a game just like this when I was a kid. It had multiplayer, aliens, and spaceships, the works. I think it was called Jet Force Gemini. (I shouldn’t have traded in my N64 so I could get that Nokia N-Gage, but I still think that thing had a chance until the Vita came along and ripped it off.) Anyway Jet Force Gemini was sick. You had this hot-ass sister and a dog made of laser guns or some shit? I dunno. I was doing whippets the first time I played because I was trying to impress my cousin Dave. Halo sucks!

#17. Spider-Man 2

Are you fucking kidding me? We already had Spider-Man 2 on GameCube and it was the best game ever made! How does Jim Ryan keep getting away with this shit? He not only stole the concept but he stole the name too. I bet this one doesn’t even have Tobey Maguire in it. Whoever plays Spider-Man in this probably sucks. (EDIT: Holy shit. The guy who plays Spidey was The Prince in Prince of Persia: Sands of Time AND Sasuske in Naruto: Rise of Ninja.  I think I will start a charity fund to help him recover from the inevitable commercial failure of this Spider-Man 2 rip-off bullshit.)

#16. Red Dead Redemption 2

Oh, I’m a cowboy or whatever. Fuck off.

#15. Minecraft

Do you see? Do you see how they mock our heritage with this blasphemy? It’s a game that masquerades as a classic title to trick me into thinking I can shove the disc into my GameCube, but of course when I try with my nephew Blake’s disc, it’s too fucking big and just gets scratched to shit. If it’s not a GameCube game, why is everything in Minecraft so square and shitty looking? Why are you blue-balling me with some shit I would probably want to play if I could play it? Not that that’s the reason I am saying the game sucks, but still, it probably does suck, so I’m not even jealous that I don’t get to play it.

#14. Fortnite

My nephew always wants to play this shit with me, and I have to scream at him to get him to shut up. That or I’ll bury his inhaler in the yard so he can busy himself looking for it and stop bothering me. Anyway Blake tells me its a murder game where you ride around in a bus and shoot people. Honestly that sounds cool as hell and reminds me a lot of a game I was designing in the margins of my Ethics notebook back when I was goth in high school. Except I wasn’t an “official” goth because the other goth kids wouldn’t accept me. They said I was too violent and crazy ’til I chucked that wrench at them to prove ‘em wrong.

#13. Overwatch

When I try to impress the chicks at GameStop by acting out the cool Wave Race jumps I can do, they always start laughing at me. This is another sign that the modern gamer does not have the class or intelligence of the retro gamer. I’ll start cussing the chicks out until the GameStop manager asks me to leave, which is really a fucked up thing for her to do, since she’s my mom. It’s like great, now we have to have a talk about this when she gets home? She already hates my guts since I wrecked her truck trying to jump the lake. Assholes at the game store are like, “You’re so toxic! I bet you play Overwatch.” And I’m like, “Show’s what you know! I can’t even run that shit!” Idiots.

#12. The Last of Us Part II

I don’t know what you’ve heard about me, but it’s not true. I don’t have some weird thing where I fantasize about a really muscley lady choking me out while I finish myself off. That would be weird right? I mean, if you told a really muscley chick about that, she’d probably be grossed out, right? Well, do you know any? I mean, if you know one, see what she thinks first. Because I just want to be sure that she would be grossed out like I think she would be. Anyway, sometimes I watch Let’s Plays of this game in slow motion because the one muscley lady grosses me out so much. I have to watch them again and again to really make sure I’m not into it. And to be clear, I am very, very, not into it. So this game must really suck, you know?

#11. Kingdom Hearts HD 2.8 Final Chapter Prologue Cloud Version

What? I can’t even understand this title. How can it be the final chapter and the prologue? 2.8? Are they releasing the patches on physical disks now? Cloud version? Is this what Stadia is? I can’t run Stadia on a Gateway, so that’s automatically points off on this game. I think Mickey is in this and I like him. I met him once when I was a kid, and I begged him to let me live with him, and I cried and cried, but my asshole parents dragged me away. So fuck this game for making me remember that! Disney really are some manipulative assholes.

#10. Horizon: Zero Dawn

Wait, so you’re some muscley chick who shoots robots with explosive arrows? Holy shit… but it’s not on GameCube? Fuck! This is just like my life, man! I can’t catch a break! I’m thinking of moving to Sandusky with my Dad but he says he doesn’t want me there because his new wife says I keep breaking her Precious Moments figurines. And granted, yes, I do really like breaking them, but that’s a pretty shitty thing for a dad to say! I just need a space of my own where I can steal some shit and sell it so I can afford a PS4! Then I can finally spend some time with this redheaded muscle lady. But until that day comes, this game is hot garbage.

#9. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Shedder’s Revenge

Fuck! They made a new Ninja Turtles?! I’m gonna cave my skull in! Maybe if I bend the disc a little it’ll run on GameCube. Wait- the Gateway has a disc drive. It’s a retro-looking game, it should work on an old PC, right? Fuck! This is why modern games suck! They are elitist!

#8. The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

Okay, so, breath is just mouth-wind, and being wild is like being very awake. Therefore this is just a cheap knock-off of Wind Waker, and I’ve already played Wind Waker, so I don’t need to be jealous that I can’t play this game. This is just another shady attempt by Nintendo to take my sperm donation money with a half-assed remake! Also the weapons break? Weak.

#7. Pokémon Scarlet

When I first saw videos of this game I was so excited. Based on the environments, frame rate, and animations, this was clearly a GameCube game! Finally, something I could actually play! But of course it’s just a Nintendo Switch game that looks and runs like a piece of shit. Nintendo is always a pioneer in the field of gaming, specifically in finding new ways to piss me off.

#6. Microsoft Flight Simulator

I actually played this for a few hours at my cousin Dave’s. He left his apartment unlocked. Well, one of the windows anyway. I mean it was easy enough to jimmy open. There was something so rewarding about flying through the air then nose diving into my own house over and over. It’s like I’m Donnie Darko. I even sometimes see that rabbit guy in the mirror when I haven’t slept for a few days. But you know what is some honest to god actual bullshit? They don’t even show the carnage when you crash in this game. You can’t see the planes explode or the people on fire screaming or praying or anything. Some “simulator.” Way to sacrifice realism to make a game for babies. I tried installing a mod that would make the planes explode more awesomely, but then it bricked Dave’s computer and he’s like super pissed at me now. 

#5. Stardew Valley

What a wussy game! They act like it’s some cool SNES game but it’s just a dating simulator where you plant crops. What kind of lame sissy loser wants to play a game where you live in a peaceful village, earn an honest living, fall in love, wash the dark thoughts out of your head? And then when you’re finally happy and settled, you can call home and say, “Fuck you, Mom! I’m the reason you almost got fired from GameStop! I planted that weed in the cash register!” That’s why I hate this game. You can’t even grow weed.

#4. God of War (2018)

Sometimes I think about how I’m just like Kratos. I’m bald, have a beard, and I love throwing axes at shit. Just ask my neighbor’s Dodge Dart. If I were a dad like him, I would teach my kid that life isn’t fair. You don’t get shit handed to you on a silver platter. There aren’t any tool tips or tutorials. You just hit the ground running and deal with shit as it happens. Then I would leave him in the woods. If he survived and made his way home, I would be proud to call him my son. I have had this dream for 17 years, and I am pretty sure Jim Ryan stole it from me, because I have been posting about it on r/Parenting pretty relentlessly (until I got banned). For that alone, I will sue Sony for 10 million dollars, or one GameCube port of this game. Until my demands are met, this game sucks.

#3. Pikmin 4

Okay, now this one seriously should have been on GameCube. It’s the same fucking thing! And I’m the only person who played the first two! This is bullshit, Nintendo! I owned a Virtual Boy before my dog knocked over the TV tray and smashed one of the lenses! I fucking loved that thing! When I blink sometimes I see red in my left eye, and it won’t stop until I sneeze! And this is the kind of diehard fan that you are neglecting when you only put your Pikmin games on some obscure non-GameCube console! Get your shit together!

#2. Hollow Knight

Oh, fuck this. This one reminds of that chick I dated who worked at Hot Topic and always wore branded Invader Zim clothes. I took her out to lunch at the food court and told her everything that was wrong with her so that she couldn’t accuse me of hiding anything from her. (Women love honesty.) She threw an Orange Julius at me and started crying. Whatever. Like I was even interested in her. (If she is reading this I am willing to give her another chance.) Anyway, if I wanted to play some Tim Burton notebook vomit I’d fiddle with my Wavebird while watching my Nightmare Before Christmas VHS. Shit, that sounds like a pretty fun time, actually.

#1. Luigi’s Mansion 3

Luigi’s Mansion was a GameCube launch title. This shit is my birthright. It is an act of personal aggression to sequelize this shit not once, but twice on consoles that I cannot afford. As an unappreciated genius do you understand how much I relate to Luigi? How many times have Luigi and I been neglected, underestimated, kicked out of Denny’s for lewd behavior, stolen a go-kart and thrown a banana at a toad, or failed to lose our virginities? I still play the original Luigi’s Mansion every night before I go to bed, and then I stay up all night because I am scared shitless of ghosts. I relate to Luigi on a visceral, otherworldly level. Sometimes I fall down and tremble in the supermarket because I know that wherever Luigi is, he is shoplifting the same frozen dinosaur nuggets that I am. Not putting this game on GameCube is not an injustice. It is theft. Nintendo has robbed me of my joy. But I have them outsmarted. I am heading down into the sewers right now to find Luigi myself. Together we will make them pay.