CHICAGO — Local Krav Maga instructor Keith Moore was seen posing with his new Rebel Alliance tattoo at a police union’s protest management training event, sources report.
“I love the rebel alliance and what they stand for, almost as much as I love seeing body armor-clad riot police flog student protestors who disrupt our nation’s security,” said Moore. “Every time I see one of our boys in blue pepper spray a group of young activists or detain a teenager for calling them names, I get a wild rush. It’s like watching Luke Skywalker fight Darth Vader. Those ANTIFA scum have the media on their side! All police have are their wits, body armor, rubber bullets, real bullets and surplus military vehicles. It’s a tough fight, but like Han Solo said, “never tell me the odds!”
Police Union Rep Duncan Dugan says Moore is a regular at police union events despite having never served with the police or the military.
“Keith comes to our events all the time! He’s always talking about Star Wars and how riot police are like real Jedi,” Dugan said. “The guy is a movie buff! This week it was the rebel alliance tattoo, but last week he showed up to our ‘Tear Gas and You’ seminar with a White Tree of Gondor tattoo from Lord of the Rings. He said George Soros is Sauron, the protesters are the orcs and the police are noble rangers of Gondor. I bet it would be fun to see a movie with Ketih. Whenever we have a speaker come in to talk about how it’s better to shoot to kill than maim, he starts to clap and cheer. We love his energy!”
Tattoo artist Taylor Mayo says they didn’t learn Moore had never been to the same tattoo artist twice until after working on his Rebel Alliance tattoo.
“I fucking hate that guy,” said Mayo. “He spent half the session talking about different choke holds he knew how to do. I do Rebel Alliance tattoos all the time, they’re the McChicken of the tattoo world, but at least the people who ask for them have seen and understand Star Wars. I think Keith has seen Star Wars, but I doubt he would understand anything that isn’t explained to him via a YouTube video of a guy ranting in his truck. I’ve also never seen someone cry so much while getting a tattoo either.”
At press time, Moore announced his next tattoo will honor fictional underdog Judge Dredd.
