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Who Will Win the Barbie/Oppenheimer War?

As of today, both Barbie and Oppenheimer are set to release on July 21, 2023, and everyone is dying to know: which of these films will make more money at the box office, solidifying it as the objectively better film of the two? We looked at the facts and determined which of these has a better shot at the #1 slot this summer.

Barbie is for girls and Oppenheimer is for boys

50.42% of the world’s population is women. That’s a difference of 65,511,048 people who will see the Barbie movie over Oppenheimer, assuming every single woman on Earth sees Barbie and every single man on Earth sees Oppenheimer and neither one sees the other movie. So pretty likely, all things considered.

Oppenheimer has the word “bomb” in it

Oppenheimer is about a big bomb. As we all know, moviegoers are generally frightened people. They may think there is a chance that a big bomb will go off in the movie theater as they watch the film, instantly disintegrating their bodies forever. Or even worse, they may think that movie is a box-office bomb just because it’s about a bomb. This will certainly deter them from seeing the film.

Everybody wins as long as we have fun

Box office, shmox office, right? Why is our society so obsessed with MONEY? As long as everyone has fun, then we ALL win. That’s why Barbie drives that pink car. And that’s why J. Robert Oppenheimer created the nuclear weapons that directly led to the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people. Just chill out and enjoy the movies!

Greta Gerwig said she will beat up Chris Nolan if Oppenheimer wins

Barbie director Greta Gerwig said in an interview that she is going to “beat the living shit out of [Oppenheimer director] Chris Nolan if Oppenheimer makes more money than Barbie.” She went on to say she will “cut him with a knife I keep sharp just for the occasion. I’ll gut him like the fish he is.” This may scare Nolan into decreasing the marketing for his film, so as to not be gutted like the fish he is.

We don’t know

It’s impossible for us to know these things before the movies come out. Maybe ask if after they come out, once we can see who went to each movie more? That would make more sense. Please stop making us try to predict these things, we are rarely correct.

YouTubers have vowed to “Stop the Steal” for Oppenheimer

Various groups of YouTubers have vowed that they will storm the Capitol building if it is declared by Box Office Mojo that Barbie made more money than Oppenheimer. If they’re willing to pull it off, that virtually secures the win for Oppenheimer no matter what. Remember: film video essays are written by the victors.

Allen isn’t in Oppenheimer

When it comes to box office predictions, you have to look for which movie will have the most rewatches. Those who view Barbie may find Michael Cera’s character Allen too disturbing to consider watching the film again. Oppenheimer, which features 0 Allens, will be seen by fans over and over again due to not having anything so scary in it.

Oppenheimer is about a war

Come on. Oppenheimer is ABOUT people doing whatever it takes to win a war. Unless Barbie has a character called Nuclear Scientist Barbie or Politician Willing To Do Anything To End WW2 Even If It Means Gallons Of Blood On His Hands Ken, I think it’s pretty safe to say Oppenheimer will win this war as well.

Barbie has more sexy people in it


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