HONOLULU — In a selfie video posted to social media today, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson announced that he is starring in a new spin-off film of The Fast and the Furious franchise starring himself and the corpse of Paul Walker he seemingly dug up himself.
“Hope you’ve got your funderwear on…. HOBBS IS BACK!!!! And he has a friend: Brian O’Conner,” Johnson wrote in the caption of his video where he carefully holds up the rotting head of Paul Walker that he appeared to have stolen from its resting place. “Others involved in this franchise have been too scared to show what happens to our dear brother Brian… but not Hobbs. Paul and I are ready to put the past behind us and take care of this franchise, characters, & FANS that we love. Here’s to the hit new film of 2025: HOBBS & O’CONNER! ‘Daddy’s gotta go to work’ ~ Hobbs. ‘I’m still alive’ ~ Brian.”
Longtime fans of the franchise were split on the announcement.
“Ummm… Mr. Rock, sir… that man is dead,” said one commenter.
“This is so fucked up. Dwayne has hit a new fucking low with this one, holy shit. Doesn’t he know that Paul Walker dated a 16 year old?!” said another commenter.
“HELL YEA LET’S GO, THE FAMILY RIDES AGAIN!!!! HOBBS AND BRIAN FOREVER LETS FUCKING GOOOOO,” said a third commenter.
According to those at Universal Pictures, police are already en route to Johnson’s location.
“We received a call that someone may have dug up the corpse of actor Paul Walker, but now we have confirmation of the crime and the suspect’s location due to the video he posted to social media,” said police chief Jacob Skinner. “Once we have apprehended the suspect, we will turn him into the Universal lot and let the executives check to see how popular the announcement was and if they want to go through with the movie idea or not.”
At press time, Johnson was reportedly looking to dig up the body of Sung Kang, the actor who plays Han Lue in the The Fast and the Furious films, mistakenly thinking he had died in real life and not just in Tokyo Drift.