SEATTLE — After finding out that his friend had started watching one of his favorite anime series without first reading the source material, manga enthusiast Calvin Pottle sagely volunteered to take the lowly anime watcher under his tutelage as an apprentice.
“Oh, my sweet summer child,” said Pottle. “You’ve chosen to watch Fullmetal Alchemist without first reading the manga that it’s based upon? Before you continue, you should know that there are not one, but two different anime adaptations of Fullmetal Alchemist, none of which compare to the majesty that is Hiromu Arakawa’s original work. However, for an anime-only watcher such as yourself… I shall make an exception and graciously take you under my wing as an apprentice.”
The lowly anime watcher in question, Josh Hampton, was confused and bewildered by Pottle’s suggestion.
“Apprentice? What is he talking about?” said Hampton. “I swear, he only gets like this when we talk about anime. He’s super gatekeep-y about it, and whenever I tell him I started watching a new series, he starts asking me a ton of questions: ‘Where are you watching it?’ ‘Which version are you watching?’ ‘Did you know there’s a manga that’s better?’ Jesus, if they cut out the one episode where the characters all go to the beach and play horny baseball together, I think I’ll survive. I don’t need a chaperone to watch cartoons.”
Despite Hampton ignoring Pottle’s generous offer, Pottle continued on with a plan in mind for him.
“Fear not, dear boy, for I have constructed a reading and watching order for you,” explained Pottle. “First, make sure to read all 108 chapters of the manga, and do not, I repeat, do NOT skip the 4-koma gag comics. You’ll be missing out on crucial character development and gut-wrenchingly hilarious side content. Then, watch episodes 1 through 25 of the original anime series. After that, you may skip episode 1 of the newer series, as well as episodes 2 through 12 if you feel the story is redundant, as they do cover a lot of the same grou– hey, are you even listening?”
At press time, Hampton decided to watch the live-action Netflix adaptation instead, directly defying his self-proclaimed master’s orders.
