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Real Life Cerebro Keeps Track of Bryan Singer at All Times

LOS ANGELES — A real life version of the Cerebro computer from the X-Men comic books and films has been revealed to the public, one that keeps track of problematic film director Bryan Singer at all times, sources have confirmed. 

“We wanted to see what this monster was up at every moment, so we stole a page out of the comic books and developed this tracker that can see where he is at any time,” said engineer Joseph Wendt, of the director who was fired from his most recent movie, 2018’s Bohemian Rhapsody. “I mean, most of the time he’s just at his house trying to get young actors to come over and give him a massage, but once in a while he ventures out in public, so obviously it’s best that we keep an eye on him.” 

The device is modeled after one the Charles Xavier character uses in the Marvel Comics to telepathically monitor and communicate with young teenagers reckoning with their newfound mutant powers. 

“That’s so cool that there’s a real Cerebro,” said Norm Thornton, a longtime comic book fan who was shocked to hear of the device’s existence. “I mean, it really sucks that there’s no such thing as superpowers but that there is definitely such a thing as connected Hollywood directors that prove themselves to be sexual deviants yet continue to work for years, so I totally understand why it’s a little different than in the comic books. I think it’s awesome.” 

Singer, who helmed several X-Men films before mounting allegations of sexual harassment and abuse led to him getting removed from the projects, hasn’t been doing very much in the public eye lately. 

“He’s been laying low, and that’s what scares me,” said Janet Aaron, a fellow engineer who has spent 20 hours a day in the Cerebro, keeping an eye on Bryan Singer. “He’s had sexual misconduct allegations as far back as when he made the movie Apt Pupil in 1997. He flew under the radar for decades, again, despite a lawsuit about him being a pervert like every couple of years, and we can’t make that mistake again. So we developed Cerebro. Magneto isn’t real, and the Juggernaut isn’t real, but sadly Bryan Singer is, and we have to keep an eye on a mind that twisted and evil.” 

As of press time, Kevin Spacey had broken into the lab and stolen the Cerebro machine, with many local citizens fearing he’s joined forces with Bryan Singer.

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