WESTCHESTER COUNTY, N.Y. — During a recent battle with the Brotherhood of Mutants at the X-Mansion, Magneto took the opportunity to use his magnetic powers to erase all of Professor Xavier’s VHS collection rendering them useless.
“This is the worst thing he’s ever done, you don’t mess with a man’s VHS collection!” said Professor X via telepathy. “My collection included compilations of local TV commercials, Z-grade exploitation movies, Dazzler karaoke videos, Latverian Star Wars knock-offs, and rare copies of Reverend William Stryker’s public access puppet shows! Now they are all gone, and I don’t exactly have a Cerebro type device for finding them at thrift stores again.”
Kitty Pryde shared her frustration.
“I never understood his obsession but he is clearly shaken,” she said. “This is the most defeated I’ve ever seen Xavier. We have a Danger Room filled with the most realistic holograms possible and he still would complain that they lacked the aesthetic only a VHS can bring. We once fought Apocalypse over a giant pyramid made completely out of copies of Jerry Maguire tapes in the desert. The guy does not mess around.”
Magneto, meanwhile, has shown no remorse for his tape deleting actions.
“Charles may be angry now, but he will eventually thank me for it,” he said. “VHS, much like the humans, is an outdated format. As homo superiors, we must only enjoy the top shelf formats such as Blu-ray with special features. And I won’t be stopping my crusade here. Very soon I will be taking my actions towards Joe Pickett and Nick Prueher of the Found Footage Festival!”
The X-Men are still rebuilding from the defeat. Fortunately, it appears that one of Professor X’s six copies of Total Recall still works.
