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Powerless Guy With Zero Responsibility Somehow Relates to Spider-Man

PITTSBURGH — A man with no power or responsibility whatsoever claims to relate to powerful, responsible superhero Spider-Man, often referencing the relatability of said character to his baffled friends and family.

Greg Markovich, 27, an unemployed couch-surfing comic book enthusiast, often opines to anyone within earshot that he is “basically Peter Parker,” despite the fact that Markovich’s only meaningful relationship is an odd parasocial fixation on Gwen Stacey cosplayers.

“Spider-Man always has to balance his crime-fighting with keeping his loved ones safe,” Markovich explained. “That’s what makes him so relatable. He’s not some rich guy like Batman or Tony Stark. He’s a regular guy like me who forgets to pay his rent sometimes, or maybe he doesn’t shower for a few weeks. So what if he can’t afford weed? So what if he has to smoke resin? And then everyone at the Applebee’s is looking at him weird because they can all smell the resin smoke on him, so he gets nervous and throws up on the table, then dines and dashes on the Two for Twenty he ordered for himself. That’s just what life is like for a street-level hero.”

Markovich’s brother, Steven, 33, refuses to acknowledge any similarities between his brother and the popular Marvel superhero, despite Greg’s insistence.

“Greg doesn’t have any power,” Steven explained. “Literally, his apartment has no power. He has been sleeping on my couch and using my laptop to ‘look for a job,’ but I can hear his porno step-sisters moaning from across the house. He doesn’t have any responsibilities either. He used to have a hamster, but he burped in its face and its heart stopped. I know hamsters aren’t very durable, but still, a belch that toxic makes me deeply concerned for Greg’s gut health. And I feel like Spider-Man would have at least shown some empathy, maybe had a funeral for the hamster, played some sad Chad Kroeger music or something. Greg just threw it off the fire escape to ‘feed the turkey vultures.’ And I checked two weeks later. The body’s still there. That’s not the kind of Vulture that Spider-Man is dealing with, I don’t think.”

Steven also noted that he occasionally sees Markovitch sitting upside-down on his couch trying to practice kissing with Pokimane’s stream.

“I don’t even want a real girlfriend,” Markovitch confided. “She would just end up dying tragically. That’s why I must make a hero’s sacrifice and love e-girls from afar. Also my uncle’s not doing so hot lately, so fingers crossed for another similarity there soon.”

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