WASHINGTON — Nickelodeon CEO Brian Robbins has been lobbying for the United States military to “bring freedom” to the nation of Nickelandia, which coincidentally happens to be the home of the world’s largest natural slime deposit.
“We are dreadfully concerned about the potential human rights abuses taking place in Nickelandia. The country has been using child labor and exposing kids to predatory adults for years,” said Robbins, a longtime Nickelodeon producer and current CEO. “That’s why I’m here to tell lawmakers: we need to overthrow the Nickelandian government with decisive military action. The fact that my company stands to benefit from Nickelandia’s massive deposits of slime is merely a coincidence — an added bonus, if you will.”
When asked about Nickelandia’s plans to nationalize the slime industry, ending Nickelodeon’s sweetheart deal on crude slime, Robbins deflected.
“Right now, what’s clear is that Nickelandia presents a clear and present danger to the United States and its interests,” said Robbins, whose company relies on a cheap supply of slime to stay profitable. “I met with the CIA, and their intelligence points to Nickelandia developing weapons of mass slimestruction, capable of sliming every single human being on the planet at once. Until we get Nickelandia’s slime reserves into the hands of the United States, nobody is safe.”
Self-identified “90s kid” and patriot Pete Wrigley said he was ready to join the army if it meant protecting his country on behalf of the children’s television network.
“When I heard that Nickelandia was planning to cover the entire world with slime, I knew I had to do my part. Now I’m ready to salute the flag in addition to saluting my shorts. That’s a reference, if you didn’t catch it,” said Wrigley, 41, at an armed forces recruitment office. “Sliming can be good fun, but I know my mother would hate for the house to be covered in slime, so preventing it is now All That I care about. I also heard that the soldiers of Nickelandia have been removing babies from their bassinets in the neonatal intensive care units, and then sliming those babies. Only true 90s kids will catch that one.”
At press time, Nickelodeon was also denying that they had used slavery to harvest Gak from Gak trees in the Democratic Republic of the Congo.
