WALKERVILLE, N.Y. — Local teacher Valerie Frizzle was reportedly fired from Walkerville Elementary School after shrinking a school bus filled with children and sending it up a guy’s ass, according to those familiar with the situation.
“We have decided to let Ms. Frizzle go, after decades of teaching, due to an incident in which she led a school bus of children inside of a man’s asshole,” explained Walkerville Elementary principal Stephen Ruhle. “At this time, we are unsure what educational purposes this trip Ms. Frizzle claimed to provide, especially considering the class she was teaching was not a health or science class and was for third grade students. Traveling to other planets or frictionless environments are dangerous enough, but this time Ms. Frizzle has taken one step too far. We have a zero tolerance policy at this school and will not condone any sexually charged field trips from any teachers.”
According to those familiar with the situation, the man whose asshole students were sent inside was a former student of Frizzle’s named Ralph Tennelli.
“Oh god, what was I doing? What was I thinking?! I can’t go back to prison!” Tennelli was reportedly heard saying after being apprehended by police. “Ever since I got sick that one time as a kid and Frizzle had all the other students go inside my body, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I needed it to happen again. I needed something more! The things I did — oh god, I’m so fucked up.”
Various members of the Walkerville community and former students of Ms. Frizzle spoke about the situation.
“Ms. Frizzle would never do something that wasn’t educational! This is such BS,” said Wanda Li. “Maybe those kids should toughen up and get inside that guy’s asshole and learn a thing or two about whatever sciences Frizzle wanted them to learn about. She probably had some really awesome lecture about prostates or something and these kids aren’t gonna learn shit anymore. Shame on Walkerville Elementary.”
“Oh boy, oh my gosh, it’s just so scary what’s happening at our schools, oh no,” said Arnold Perlstein. “What a terrifying adventure these poor students must have gone through. I remember having Ms. Frizzle as a teacher and she terrorized me; all I wanted to do was stay in the classroom and read textbooks, but she forced me to go to the Arctic and back in time, and one time, to New Jersey. I’ve been in therapy practically my whole life!”
“Haha. That sucks ass! Get it?” said Carlos Ramon.
At press time, police had reportedly raided Frizzle’s home and confiscated a dead, stuffed chameleon.