OMAHA, Neb. — Leisurely disregarding any sense of haste, local man Ray Pittman, 38, lingered in his car to finish the last four hours of a podcast real quick before heading into a D&D session, sources confirmed.
“Ope, looks like I’m here early this time,” said Pittman, whose D&D session was scheduled to start in three minutes, before unfastening his seatbelt and reclining in his car seat. “I guess I’ve got some time to kill, so I’ll just kick back and finish the rest of this podcast real quick. No biggie.”
Pittman’s friend and fellow player, Mary Menzel, couldn’t help but express bewilderment toward Pittman’s lack of punctuality.
“Sometimes your favorite song comes on and you just can’t help but finish it before leaving the car. That is perfectly understandable,” stated Menzel. “But a full-blown podcast episode? Is his perception of time just different? Is an hour to us only a mere minute to him? This is almost like that time he accidentally glanced at a book’s cover and then became completely ensnared, unable to look away until he finished devouring its entire contents twenty hours later.”
After reciting every word to his favorite podcast episode, Pittman began to reflect.
“Don’t go anywhere, we’ll be back after this word from our sponsors! Man, that’s my favorite part,” exclaimed Pittman. “I’m so glad that, from a young age, I was instilled with this drive to finish what I start. Whether it be doing chores, finishing my homework, or sitting in a car and listening to a four hour podcast that my friends keep banging on my car window for me to turn off, I always see things through.”
At press time, Pittman was confirmed to have died after hundreds of podcast episodes kept autoplaying, preventing him from eating or drinking.
