FERNFIELD, Wash. — Stephen Cobbs, coach of the Spokane Warriors junior high basketball team, has been arrested after killing Fernfield Timberwolves’ star player, Air ‘Buddy’ Bud, ahead of the state championship game this weekend.
“What happened the night before the big game is absolutely horrifying,” said Arthur Chanley, coach of the Fernfield Timberwolves basketball team. “Our community has suffered a devastating loss, and the rest of Buddy’s teammates are reeling from this sudden tragedy. You don’t just ‘have’ poison on your person, like Mr. Cobbs says. I don’t care if it’s cyanide or chocolate, that man is a dirty liar and a murderer.”
An autopsy report reveals that Buddy was found with trace amounts of chocolate in his system, revealing that Cobbs had used a Butterfinger bar to take out the Timberwolves’ power forward.
“There’s no rule in the rulebook that says a dog can’t play basketball, but there are laws in this country prohibiting homicide in the first degree,” explained leading prosecutor Herb Napolitano, who represents the Golden Retriever’s estate.
On the court, Buddy was known for his unmatched dribbling, passing, and shooting skills, as well as his trademark penchant of defecating and urinating in the middle of plays. His shocking departure leaves a hole in the Fernfield Junior High community, including his 12-year-old teammate and roommate, Josh Framm.
“When Buddy came into my life, I had no idea he would teach me how to be a team player, stand up to the bullies at my school, and love myself,” Framm revealed. “I guess his murder has also taught me about the seedy underbelly of middle school basketball.”
Buddy is survived by his wife, a fellow dog, and their five children, each one of whom is also reported to be a promising athlete across various American intramural sports.