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Live-Action ‘Akira’ Movie Dismissed As Old Tale Told To Scare Misbehaving Children

HOLLYWOOD – Decades-old rumors of a potential live-action Akira remake have once again been dismissed as a frightening myth told to naughty kids.

“There’s simply no proof,” scriptwriter Sheryl Spade confirmed. “It’s a blunt way for parents to keep young anime fans in line and nothing more. So many children from the early 2000’s will recall that if they didn’t stop watching Toonami’s Midnight Run and get a good night’s sleep, the scary Hollywood producer would come and bastardize another beloved classic. Of course the film industry has its dark corners, but butchering one of the most beloved and influential animated films of all time and reanimating it with human flesh? For what, money? What a macabre fantasy.”

The 1988 Japanese cyberpunk extravaganza has long been dogged by baseless horror tales, ranging from goofy campfire stories about Gary Oldman and Helena Bonham Carter being cast as baddies through to the gruesome insistence of a PG-13 rating.

“Every generation has an urban legend like this,” film historian Caitlyn Vandesh explained. “The release dates change and the actors change, but it’s all the same core scares adapted to the pop culture of the time. Early interpretations had Gary Whitta cackling maniacally when Katsuhiro Otomo gave him permission to reinterpret everything. There are versions where the directors are cursed as well, like the one where Stephen Norrington was attached in 2002, but his career was slain by The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen movie. There’s one floating around schoolyards recently where Taika Waititi was on-board, but he directed Thor: Blood & Thunder instead. Sure, guys. And Marylin Manson removed one of his ribs too, right?”

Despite all reassurances, filmgoers remain on their toes. Akira holds a deep spiritual significance for many, and superstitious fans have been known to look for supposed apocalyptic “signs” in everyday occurrences, such as people yelling their friend’s name across a stadium or a motorbike doing a totally sick sideways slide.

“I’m not scared,” anime fan Bryn Splath denied, shaking. “It’s just, after Death Note and everything… You can’t deny there’s sick people in the world. It’s just plausible enough. Every time I hear about a new producer credit or a casting interest, I just keep repeating to myself: ‘It’s only a Screen Rant puff-piece. It’s only a Screen Rant puff-piece.’ That’s not real. It can’t be, right? …Right?”

At press time, new urban myths have sprouted up saying that the success of Netflix’s One Piece was simply a fluke.