FRESNO, Calif — Tragic news struck the nation today as the last-remaining ’90s kid, Robert Jayner, finally succumbed to the elements and died of old age, leaving ’90s kids officially extinct.
“He died surrounded by his loved ones, all people from the 2000s and 2010s he could share his vast wealth of memories and dated references with,” said son of the deceased, Henry Jayner. “As he requested, he was buried with his nearly-solved Rubik’s Cube and his Ecto Cooler Hi-C, and his will stipulated that his collection of Beanie Babies would be divided evenly among his children.
Robert’s daughter, Elizabeth Jayner-Hewitt, reflected on her father’s peaceful passing.
He lasted as long as he could, but old age eventually comes for us all,” Jayner-Hewitt said. “All we can do now is speculate what life must have been like in the far off year of 1993, but it feels like we all lived through that time thanks to my grandpa’s stories and Gameboy Camera print-outs. Now, these miscellaneous things that only ’90s kids will remember shall be lost to the sands of time, forever.”
Attendees of the funeral service listened intently to the eulogy provided by Father Simon Bernard.
“We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of a man who was, as he would say, ‘all that and a bag of chips,’” Father Bernard began. “Robert Jayner was a father, grandfather, and diligent VHS tape rewinder. He liked exclusively the early seasons of The Simpsons. Some people say that death is the end of our journey, the Lord asks we take this sentiment and sarcastically retort, ‘As if!’”
Jayner’s memory will live on, as the former ’90s kid is survived by his three children, four grandchildren, and two beloved Tamagotchis.