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Hayao Miyazaki Banned From Studio Ghibli Offices After Numerous Attempts To End Retirement

TOKYO — Despite Hayao Miyazaki’s latest feature film The Boy and the Heron being billed as his final work, the acclaimed director has announced once again that he will be returning from retirement, and has subsequently been banned from entering the Studio Ghibli premises.

“We’re fucking sick of this. He’s not allowed back in here,” stated Toshio Suzuki, president of Studio Ghibli. “This is, what, the third time now? We threw him a going away party with cake and everything after The Wind Rises. He promised us this new movie would be his last and, lo and behold, he’s knocking at our door this morning, standing there smiling and holding a new script. …No. He’s banned. I don’t care how ‘magical’ he is, he’s not allowed here or the theme park either just for good measure.”

Miyazaki was reportedly shocked and disappointed to find out that he was no longer welcome.

“I practically built this studio with my own two hands,” said Miyazaki. “Sure, I’m a little indecisive sometimes, but who isn’t? I gave them Totoro, I gave them Porco, I taught millions of kids around the world that deforestation is bad– but go ahead. Hire even more otaku losers to make anime. Fuck, I need a cigarette.”

Miyazaki’s son, Goro Miyazaki, expressed relief at the studio’s decision to ban his father.

“Finally, we can all relax a little more around here,” said Goro. “My dad’s great, but everyone knows he can be a bit of an old crank sometimes. He did apologize for walking out on my movie that I worked really hard on to impress him and stuff, but that’s kinda hard to just forget. He tried to get me to leave with him when they wouldn’t let him back in the building, but I just kinda like… pretended he wasn’t there, and kept working. Man.”

At press time, Miyazaki was seen driving a large cat bus around town and pitching his new script to different studios that would let him inside.

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