LOS ANGELES — Filmmakers across the globe have released a joint statement admitting that when they release anthology films, it is because they were unable to think of a whole story.
“Yeah, look, I started writing The French Dispatch and got like 30 pages into it and was like…. Fuck it. This is just gonna be a bunch of short stories, who cares?” admitted a sheepish Wes Anderson, situated perfectly in the middle of his intricate home. “So I used the old anthology film trick. Filmmakers have been doing it for a hundred years and we’re not about to stop just because we couldn’t think of a full length movie.
“And it’s not like we’re gonna make a fucking TV show instead. I wouldn’t dare stoop so low,” said fellow director Joel Coen. “When Ethan and I made The Ballad of Buster Scruggs, Netflix asked if we wanted to just split all the short stories up into episodes like a season of I Think You Should Leave or some shit like that. I was like, are you fucking kidding me? How dare you compare this to a TV show? If someone doesn’t wanna watch the whole movie in one sitting like a goddamn adult, they can scrub through the timeline and find their place the next day. Don’t even let the app save their spot for them.”
Movie fans responded to the news with satisfaction.
“Yeah, that’s actually what I thought,” said local moviegoer and uncle Terry Holden. “I saw one of those movies recently that was just a bunch of short movies in one, and I was like, yeah they probably just couldn’t come up with a whole movie. That’s a shame. They should have tried to just make one whole movie!”
“I watched this movie New York Stories the other day and I was like, how ‘bout New York Story? Just pick one and do that!” said Letterboxd power user Beau Sosa. “Also try not to molest kids, if you can avoid it. That should be a higher priority.”
At press time, producers of Killers of the Flower Moon were reportedly barring the doors to the editing bay after director Martin Scorsese tried to add another hour to the movie’s runtime.
