MORIA, Middle Earth — The Fellowship of the Ring is reportedly locked out of the mines of Moria after attempting three passwords to open its magically-sealed door, according to frustrated sources.
“It’s a riddle. ‘Speak ‘friend’ and enter.’ What’s the Elvish word for ‘friend?’ asked Frodo Baggins, one of the four Hobbits in the questing party.
“Fuck if I know,” said Gandalf the Grey, the group’s wizard. “Legolas, what’s the Elvish word for ‘friend?’”
Unfortunately, however, Legolas, the Fellowship’s sole Elf, was preoccupied with a potential attack from the water and was unable to answer in time before the group accidentally used up three other login attempts in rapid succession.
“Friend,” said another Hobbit, Merry Brandybuck, standing right in front of the door, watching it glow red to signify that he had tried the wrong word.
“You gotta say it better than that,” said a third Hobbit, Pippin Took, gearing up to try another failed login. “Friend.”
“Heh. As if Elves can make friends,” shouted the group’s dwarf, signifying the third and final attempt to open the door before being locked out.
“Very funny, but the Elves are friend to many, while the Dwarves dig themselves deeper and deeper into the earth. The password is mellon,” Legolas announced, although too late to open the door, because after speaking the correct password, the door reportedly flashed red once more, now with the Elvin message “Too many incorrect attempts to open. Try again later.”
“Are you kidding me? Are you actually kidding me?” asked Boromir of Gondor. “Now what? How long are we supposed to wait here?!”
“As long as it takes, I suppose,” said Aragorn the ranger.
“This freaking SUCKS,” Boromir shouted.
As of press time, no progress on entering the mines has been made, despite several members of the Fellowship attempting to hit and kick the door, as well as Gandalf’s failed attempt to “turn it off and on again.”
