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Fans Livid After Critics Deride Keys Being Dangled in Front of Face

NEW YORK — Fans of a set of keys being dangled in front of their faces are reportedly livid that critics have described the situation as “childish” and “boring,” according to those familiar with the situation.

“The experience of having a set of keys dangled in front of my face did nothing for me artistically,” derided one critic. “I do not feel changed or challenged whatsoever having gone through the experience. The dangling of the keys did make an admittedly interesting sound, and the light reflecting off the chain did catch my eye in a way that illuminated my face, but overall, I found the experience to be childish and ultimately dull. And yes, I understand that dangling keys in front of faces is meant to be entertaining for literal infants without object permanence, sure. Nonetheless, I think children deserve more challenged works of art, like an abstract painting or perhaps a novel. I give the experience of having keys dangled in front of my face 2 out of 10 stars.” 

Despite the consistent low score from critics across the board, the keymaker, and one doing the dangling, Patrick Eden, insisted that the experience was a solid 10 out of 10.

“Sorry, but dangling keys in front of your face isn’t for the snobby critics. It’s for the fans. And the fans fucking loved it,” Eden said at a fan convention today. “A lot of these critics are just pretentious know-it-alls who think they are smarter than the rest of us. I don’t expect keys being dangled in front of people’s faces will win any awards — even though it should win all of the awards, based on how much the fans loved it — but I’ve made peace with that. I didn’t make this set of keys and hold it inches above people’s faces, clanging the keys together to make a noise while they reach up and try to grab them, for the kind of people who make awards. I did it for the fans. And while many of them cannot speak up for themselves due to being babies, I know deep in my heart that they fucking loved it.”

Some older longtime fans of the dangling keys took to social media to complain about the scores given by critics.

“I’m sorry but if you think the dangling keys isn’t a perfect 10/10 then you’re a fucking idiot and I hope you die,” said Twitter user @keykeykeyletsgooo96. “I’ve loved having keys dangled in front of my face my whole fucking life. So yeah, I think I know if it’s good or not. And it is. Sorry these absolute morons couldn’t get it through their thick skulls that it’s just meant to be FUN. Again, I truly hope they die a gruesome death.”

At press time, the critics were thankfully able to escape hordes of angry fans by covering their faces with their hands and not saying “peekaboo” to reveal themselves again.