It feels like we’re drowning in Star Wars projects these days. It’s as though they’ll give a movie or show to any character that so much as winks at Dave Filoni. Despite all of the work he’s done to rehabilitate the prequel trilogy, there’s one property that has been conspicuously neglected. I’m speaking, of course, about the classic Nintendo 64 title, “Star Wars Episode I: Racer.” I’m sure Dave will get around to it eventually, and when he does, I hope he finds the following list helpful.
25 — Anakin Skywalker
I think we’ve all had enough of Mr. “Sorry About All of the Genocide.” He’s been in six movies, a seven-season animated series, and countless novels that you’ve never read. Heck, they brought him back for “Ahsoka” just to teach her that she needs to want to live, or something. That whole sequence was cool, but it didn’t make a lot of sense.
24 — Elan Mak
This guy already got enough love in the Legends continuity. He had an elaborate backstory that revealed his name wasn’t actually Elan Mak — it was Kam Nale. Yup. His top-secret pseudonym was just his real name backwards. That’s some nice op-sec, Kam.
23 — Ody Mandrell
Did you know that this guy was one of the youngest racers in Episode I? He was supposed to be only a few years older than Anakin. Sure, he was born and raised on the brutal desert world of Tatooine, but he’s really gotta update his skincare routine. He is definitely not camera ready.
22 — “Bullseye” Navior
This guy looks like the creepy old knick-knack your great grandma brought over from the old country. You know, the one that kept you up all night when you had to sleep over because your parents were out of town. The one that you swear would move slightly every time you looked away. No one wants to be reminded of that while watching a show.
21 — Mawhonic
Meh, we’ve seen plenty of Grans before. They’re not human enough to be relatable, and not novel enough to be interesting. Let’s not spend too much time on Mawhonic.
20 — Teemto Pagalies
Teemto looks like a cereal mascot, which I suppose gives you some kind of angle. You could build a “Saturday morning”-style cartoon around him and then release the sugar-coated partially-hydrogenated reconstituted cornmeal nuggets to skirt federal regulations. Unfortunately, Teemto is canonically a dangerous, vengeful drunk, so this pitch might not fly with Disney.
19 — Jinn Reeso
Wait. Did they really just move the “R” over a little bit when they made Rogue One? That’s pretty bold. Felicity Jones doesn’t even look anything like Jinn Reeso.
18 — Aldar Beedo
Aldar is the first of many podracer pilots on this list who are secretly hitmen. I know things work a little differently in the galaxy far, far away, but come on. That would be like if half of the big Formula 1 drivers were living double lives as infamous assassins. Driving fast cars by day, killing by night — hold on. I’ve got a screenplay to write.
17 — Boles Roor
In addition to being a champion podracer, Boles Roor was also notable for being an accomplished singer. You could produce a talent-show singing competition and cast him as one of the judges alongside Figran D’an and Sy Snootles. I like to think he would be the nice judge.
16 — Ratts Tyerell
You may remember Ratts Tyerell as the only confirmed death during the race depicted in the movie. In Star Wars lore, his son Deland Tyerell went on to found an organization dedicated to promoting awareness of the dangers of podracing. A docu-series that used Ratts’ demise as a vehicle to promote Deland’s mission might sound interesting, if it weren’t for the fact that the dangers of podracing are, like, immediately self-evident.
15 — Cy Yunga
I’m not sure if Cy Yunga could carry his own series, but he would definitely be a prominently featured player in the “Lap 1” episode of Ken Burns’ documentary series “Podracing.”
14 — Ebe Endocott
Look at Ebe Endocott. Notice anything? That’s right, this wild child is shirtless, with nips on full display. We’re looking at Disney’s best chance to develop true adult-oriented content, akin to the old HBO model. Show them alien titties to draw the viewers in, then hook them with the drama. Should be easy enough.
13 — Ark “Bumpy” Roose
Bumpy is a big ol’ dummy who likes to drive his pod really fast and crash into things. If Disney types up a decent enough warning card for the intro, they could have their own “Jackass”-type hit on their hands. Green light it.
12 — Bozzie Baranta
This is the perfect opportunity for a backdoor Thanos origin story, tying the Star Wars and Marvel universes together once and for all. That might seem lazy and nonsensical, but hey — it’s a Disney+ series we’re talking about. That’s what they’re supposed to be.
11 — Fud Sang
Okay, so I honestly think this one could be fun. According to lore, Fud Sang is an incarcerated criminal, sentenced to multiple life terms, who is furloughed to participate in prestigious podracing events. This has the makings of a procedural, where Fud must plan and execute a crime between the time he leaves the prison and when he is escorted back—all while preparing for and competing in a race. Sometimes he gets the score; sometimes he wins the race; sometimes he comes up empty. I would watch that on a lonely Monday night.
10 — Mars Guo
Mars’ distinctive design and big personality will have to carry this one. He’s built for racing, so we’re not going to be able to move away from that theme too much, but we could certainly turn it into a drama focusing on how his growing success affects his struggle with alcohol. I mean, he’s basically Kermit the Frog with goggles, so he has to have some commercial appeal.
9 — Sebulba
He’s a known quantity that would bring in eyeballs, so you could go a couple of ways with this one. You could show him realizing the error of his ways and becoming a better person, but I think the better approach is pulling a “Better Call Saul.” Use all sorts of time jumps to show exactly how he became such a piece of garbage. People like him because he’s trash! Don’t mess with the formula.
8 — Slide Paramita
Three words: Star Wars Frasier.
7 — Wan Sandage
This guy is perfectly set up to have a classic limited series for the holidays. He retires from podracing and moves to a mountain high above the forests of Kashyyyk. The annual festivities of the local Wookiees drive him to madness. Boom: “The Devlikk Who Stole Life Day.”
6 — Dud Bolt
I think Disney should bring Aronofsky in to recreate his success with “The Wrestler.” Dud is an aging podracer, long past his prime, who is gambling on his one last shot to connect with his daughter and recapture his glory days. Only—were those days so glorious?
5 — Gasgano
The guy finished second after Anakin in the Boonta Eve Classic and has 24 fingers. We can’t think of a premise that requires him to use all of his phalanges? Give me a break.
4 — Ben Quadinaros
We’ve got a classic Looney Tunes series on our hands, here. Every week, Ben uses his deep pockets to buy his way into a no-lose situation, only to have it blow up in his face. Even though each accident is seemingly fatal, he’s back for the next episode, as good as new.
3 — Clegg Holdfast
Clegg Holdfast has a lot of drama surrounding him on the race circuit, as he is canonically also a reporter who covers podracing. Conflict of interest aside, this could make for a nice journalistic drama. It could easily be serialized, so that Clegg has a new scandal to investigate each season. I think we could all convince our moms to watch that show.
2 — Neva Kee
A funny thing happened to Neva Kee during the Boonta Eve Classic — he disappeared. No one ever saw him again, though inconclusive evidence suggested that he was murdered by a bounty hunter under the direction of Jabba the Hutt. Of course, being dead doesn’t mean he couldn’t have his own series. I’m imagining him being the Laura Palmer of his own Twin Peaks—or should I say, Twin Suns?
1 — Toy Dampner
I don’t know anything about this character. I can’t tell you if he would be able to carry a movie, mini-series, or show. All I can say is that, if you want to get a project off the ground at Disney, “Toy” is the magic word.
