NEW YORK — Residents of Earth 616’s New York City are reportedly wary of a new COVID-19 vaccine that was created by the top scientists of the alternate reality planet.
“Look, I believe in science as much as the next guy and I’m not conspiracy-minded in the slightest. We have to come up with a way to fight this pandemic. But… I don’t know. Most of our scientists are like, you know, evil octopus guys or mech-suit lizard guys or whatever. I don’t really trust them to make a vaccine that’s not gonna turn everyone into dinosaurs or something,” said local sales clerk Frank Gay. “There’s gotta be some way to make sure that the guys who made the COVID vaccine aren’t gonna end up smashing through a building after being punched by Spider-Man next week.”
Even after insistence from the CDC that the scientists working on the COVID-19 vaccine are superheroes, as opposed to supervillains, many Earth 616 residents are still wary of the life-saving shot.
“Ohhhh OK! Like that’s better! First of all, half of these fuckin’ superheroes turn into supervillains every other week already, OK?” said a visibly angry construction worker Tony Kavanagh. “And even if it’s the good guys! Let’s say it’s an honest-to-god good guy superhero genius working on this vaccine. 9 times out of 10, the guy is a famous playboy asshole dickhead. How do I know they’re not focused more on fucking some supermodel or manufacturing weapons for the government or killing a horde of aliens when they’re working on this thing? How do I know it’s not being made by a robot who turned human and has only been human for a month? I fucking hate this planet.”
To their credit, the scientists who are developing the new vaccine have insisted that their intentions are only to help people return to a more normal society following the coronavirus pandemic.
“Ha ha ha ha ha yes, yes, that’s it! I’m just trying to help people! That’s all I want… All I want,” said one cackling scientist who asked to be referred to as The Anteater. “Oooooh yes, I just want to go back to normal society! I don’t seek any revenge at all, no I don’t. Not one bit. NOT ONE BIT. I don’t want anyone to pay for the death of my sister. My sweet, beautiful Caroline, crushed by that wretched Spider-Man after he let a building collapse in midtown. NO! It’s just a vaccine. It’s juuuuuust a vaccine. So why don’t you take a shot… Spider-Man?!”
At press time, to the surprise of very few, the 50% of Earth 616 New Yorkers who took the COVID vaccine turned into dinosaurs.
Mayor Bill de Blasio, however, announced that the dinosaurs were, in fact, immune to new and old strains of the novel coronavirus, and that both humans and dinosaurs should feel comfortable eating outdoors at restaurants.
Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!
