SHINIGAMI REALM — After witnessing copious amounts of death and destruction at the hand of Death Note user Light Yagami, several notable Shinigami confirmed that the Death Note was made overly-complicated on purpose because nobody was actually supposed to use it.
“Jesus, the kid wasn’t supposed to actually use the damn book,” said Nu, a powerful Shinigami. “Have you ever tried to pause on those ‘How To Use’ sections in-between commercial breaks? It’s damn near impossible to follow, because it’s supposed to be a heavy-handed metaphor for killing is bad!”
Touta Matsuda, a member of the Japanese Task Force dedicated to finding and prosecuting the Death Note’s user, confirmed the complicated nature of the book.
“Honestly, I had no idea what was going on,” explained Matsuda. “None of us did. We were constantly trying to piece together how to use the thing, and after a while it was just like, ‘okay, this is all happening whether we like it or not. Hopefully we just fall ass-backwards into finding the real killer’ and hey, lucky us.”
Other Shinigami explained that the rules and regulations will likely have to be adjusted in the future.
“I guess ‘don’t use this evil murder weapon that makes no sense’ wasn’t clear enough,” said Armonia Justin Beyondormason. “Do we have to implement even more riddles? Use several different languages? Change the name from ‘Death Note’ to something less inviting to sociopaths? I don’t know. We’re going to workshop some ideas later this week and present them to a focus group.”
At press time, several bored teenagers picked up a Death Note that fell out of mid-air, but opted instead to scroll on TikTok.
