New York, N.Y. – Criterion has announced they are finally bringing a long awaited Cursed VHS Tape to modern media formats. This comes as great news to all the demons and cursed souls who worked on it.
“We’re so happy to be able to give this such a wide release,” black-eyed criterion representative John Stein said, “It was a herculean task finding the original prints, but I think viewers will notice the incredible upgrade.
“Of course, we lost around 20 employees while we were doing the transfer, and a few more keep complaining about how they keep seeing the face of Lucifer every time they close their eyes, but that’s the price you pay for restoring cinema.”
The demonic director of the film, Karblox The Devourer, is glad more people can see their hard work after all this time.
“You know, it was just all the rage back in the day,” Karblox said, “That creepy girl from The Ring was doing it, Slender Man was really into it, so I figured it was good enough for me. It was really fun to put together, I remember directing all of the damned souls I trapped in the magnetic tape like it was yesterday.
“I’m glad that people are still interested in my old work, with people now-a-days you gotta go through all these hoops with complicated CGI and casting big stars. You’ll never have the freedom we had back then to cast no-name rakshasas in big budget brainwashing tapes.”
Fans of old cinema as well as weak minded fools all over the world are excited to finally see the footage in 4k resolution.
“I’ve had this thing on my watchlist forever,” Gil Ableson said, “But do you know how hard it is to find one of the original tapes? I’ve spent hours in my local forest and come back with nothing but mosquito bites and a cool stick I found.
“Now that it’s coming to Blu-Ray, I’ll finally be able to curse myself and die a horrific death! Now that’s what every true cinefile pines for! I just hope I’m able to write a funny Letterboxd review before I die.”
The Hard Drive’s resident film critic’s review of the film will be released as soon as we figure out how to extract his soul from the disc.
