METROPOLIS –– In a televised statement to the press this morning, the Man of Steel, Superman, regretfully acknowledged that although his powers have been steadily increasing over the course of the past century, he was now conflicted about wielding those powers due to the fact that they are directly linked to climate change.
“Citizens of Earth may already be familiar with the fact that my powers are a direct result of exposure to our yellow Sun,” said the last son of Krypton, visibly troubled with a look of consternation on his face. “However, after reviewing the IPCC’s latest climate report, it’s become clear that the effect that Earth’s Sun has on my powers has been steadily increasing along with the amount of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere and the average temperature of the planet over the past century. I cannot in good conscience continue to use my powers without acknowledging this troubling reality.”
Sources say the Man of Tomorrow then continued on, citing various scientific facts and figures from the climate report, and making promises to limit the frequency and scope of his various powers moving forward.
“Effective immediately, I will be using my cold, freezing breath power as a more sustainable alternative to my heat vision ability,” Superman said. “Also, although I am quite certain that I do not produce carbon emissions by flying, I will be working closely with the IPCC to make sure my entire climate impact is understood. Also, as always, I will be using my superhuman hearing at all times to collect the feedback of the people of Earth. None of my promises mean anything if I am not being accountable.”
Public reactions to Superman’s remarks were met with initial surprise and shock.
“Hey, did anyone notice when Superman put on a pair of glasses to read from the climate report during his speech?” Said Jimmy Olsen, a beat reporter for the Daily Planet covering Superman’s announcement. “Did he look weirdly familiar to anyone else right then?”
At press time, Superman also expressed general fear about the increasing temperature of the planet after noting that his Arctic ice palace, the Fortress of Solitude, had recently begun to melt.