ANN ARBOR, Mich. — An absolutely precious sight today as the Ann Arbor Cinemark location announced sales for midnight tickets of the upcoming MCU disaster The Marvels.
“I’m so excited, this is going to be the movie event of the season!” explained darling and unaware theater manager Greg Pitts. “We bought a ton of merchandise, we know kids will be lining up around the block to see everyone’s favorite Marvel hero, Monica Rambeau. I can’t wait to see comic fans dressed up as the terrifying, and universally known, villain Dar-Benn. Just like they did for the Joker back in 2008. Things have been rough around here, but I just know that this November blockbuster is going to make everything right. Get your tickets soon, gonna be a packed house!”
Despite Pitts’ infectious and misinformed optimism, the reality of ticket sales has not been nearly as encouraging.
“I think I have the only ticket,” charitable movie fan Tina Worple revealed. “I went onto the app out of curiosity, and there were no tickets reserved. Like, every seat was open. There was so much cross promotion too, I honestly felt really bad for them and bought a ticket. I asked my friends if they wanted to come, but I’m the only one caught up on the 87 hours of Disney Plus content to really understand the movie.”
The midnight release, although very cute, did not do much to calm Marvel higher-ups.
“Holy shit I’m so fucked, I am so monumentally fucked,” said Marvel Entertainment CEO Kevin Feige. “What were we thinking? We own the goddamn X-Men now, and I just spent 300 million dollars on characters that barely have Wikipedia articles. Kang was supposed to be in this too, but we thought him hitting the all-women heroes might look bad. They told me to just make the Fantastic Four. But no, I had to prove a point that I could make any turd shine. Well the chickens are coming home to roost. The wolf is at ole Kev’s door.”
When reached for comment, star Brie Larson insisted that this is the first she ever heard of this The Marvels business.