HOLLYWOOD — After putting in an impressive six years of portraying children on the screen, McClonkey Culkin, the youngest of the esteemed family of actors, has unfortunately developed into an unattractive and unmarketable pizza face.
“McClonkey was a true professional, acting was in his veins, however the passage of time tends to weigh heavy on the Culkin family,” says longtime Casting Director, Lori Shannon. “Like his brothers before him, there came a point where he would walk into the audition room for an adorable kid and we would throw up in our mouths a little.”
Kit Culkin, McClonkey’s father and the patriarch of the Culkin clan, has assured his managers and agents that his son is still at the top of his game.
“He’s still got some great stuff left in the tank,” the 80 year old told the press. “All he needs is a little Proactive and three hours in the make-up chair and boom! He’s practically a baby again.”
This is not the first time Kit Culkin has aggressively parented one of his sons into the spotlight. Back in the 90s Macaulay Culkin was placed on puberty blockers in the hopes of squeezing every last penny out of the child’s momentous success.
“It was hell!” Macaulay told reporters back in 2008. “The side effects left a rash on my face so bad they had to rewrite the ending of My Girl. All I did was work and work! The only time I could truly feel like a kid was at Neverland Ranch.”
Unsure if the child star will be able to make the shift into adult acting like his brother Kieran, this may be the last we see of McClonkey, until his inevitable return in nostalgia-bait holiday commercials 20 years from now.
At press time, the puberty riddled pre-teen has signed on for a three commercial deal with Accutane®.
