GOTHAM CITY — The controversial vigilante known only as the Batman has been ordered to return to the office at least three days a week after a recent wave of mob-related violence rocked the city.
“Sure, I’d love to roll out of bed late and shuffle over to my desk in the next room,” said Gotham City Police Department lieutenant James Gordon. “We all would. But ask your boss how they feel about that arrangement. How can we be sure that Batman is even doing his work unless we can keep an eye on him? I mean, it sure seems like he’s checked out. Two of the city’s most prominent families have been completely slaughtered. I bet he’s not even wearing his full costume and only puts on the cowl for video calls.”
Batman was reacted indignantly to the GCPD’s demands.
“I’m just as able to do my work from the Batcave as I am from inside GCPD headquarters,” said the caped crusader. “Last time I was there, I literally had to fight my way out. Plus, it’s not set up properly for my workflow. Are they going to compensate me for all of the money I spent to be able to work from home? I had a fireman’s pole installed. No commute can compete with that, even if you’re driving the Batmobile.”
Sociologist and labor expert Denise Crowley commented on the reasons that law enforcement agencies often forbid heroes from working remotely.
“Sure, some of it is just from the natural managerial impulse to micro-manage and babysit,” said Crowley. “Frankly, that’s just survival instinct. If people can do their jobs from home, what are managers even for? Often, though, the restrictive return-to-office mandates are part of a scheme to reduce the workforce without having to pay severance—essentially a backdoor layoff. It’s surprising for this to happen to a hero as high-profile as Batman, but it’s a common tactic. Animal Man has been ‘ordered to return to the office’ about a dozen times.”
At press time, the GCPD issued a statement the Batman was free to fight crime in another city if he refused to obey their mandate.
